Mike's Movie Tips

Anyone who knows me is well aware of my utter disdain for the MPAA, especially when it comes to their Ratings Board.  It's riddled with hypocrisy, corruption and has far too much influence on our culture for an organization that is so obviously broken.  So in "dis"-honor of their unbelievable decision to give " Dunkirk " a PG-13, I've decided to compile a list of their most egregious offenses. This isn't meant to be a comprehensive list.  The MPAA has made far too many blunders for such a list to exist.  But here are a few examples of their most outrageous decisions.  I'll also explain what I think it should be rated and why. " Sin City ." Rated R, should be NC-17. "Sin City" is totally bad ass and a great movie, but it's also hyper-violent.  The violence is as plentiful as it is brutal, with blood and gore flowing everywhere.  The fact that almost every character is a criminal, misanthrope or brooding antihero adds to t...

0.5/4 Starring: Bryan Madorsky, Randy Quaid, Mary Beth Hurt, Sandy Dennis, Juno Mills-Cocknell Rated R (probably for Pervasive Aberrant Violent Content involving Cannibalism and Related Gore and for Scenes of a Child in Peril) Has anyone noticed that the selection of movies is highly democratized?  The biggest hits are widely available (although so is low-budget crap, upon whose reliance partially led to the bankruptcy of Blockbuster) and the not so beloved stuff isn't.  This is a generalization, of course.  There will always be a steady supply of " Neighbors 2 " DVDs and Blu Rays, much as I would like Hollywood to follow the lead of Atari and dump them in a landfill.  And there are good movies that are hard to find, like " Fun " or " Xiu Xiu: The Sent Down Girl ."  Still, if a movie is hard to find, you can be sure there's probably a reason for it. "Parents" is such a movie.  This movie is so bad, so confused yet so banal, so biz...

4/4 Starring: Fionn Whitehead, Aneurin Barnard, Harry Styles, Mark Rylance, Tom Glynn-Carney, Barry Keoghan, Cillian Murphy, Tom Hardy, Jack Lowden, Kenneth Branagh, James D'Arcy Rated PG-13 for Intense War Experience and Some Language "Dunkirk" is an experience. No other descriptor does it justice.  Like other classics, such as " Saving Private Ryan ," " Schindler's List ," or even " Boyhood ," Christopher Nolan's newest project transcends its form and becomes something else entirely.  You don't watch "Dunkirk," you live it. "Dunkirk" lacks any true narrative, and that's by design.  This movie isn't about plot or characters.  It's about the event.  The men the camera follows are simply a way to navigate it.  In order to paint a full picture of the evacuation of Dunkirk, Nolan divides the film into three intertwining parts.  One follows, Tommy (Whitehead), Gibson (Barnard) and Alex (Style...

3.5/4 Starring: Dane DeHaan, Cara Delevigne, Clive Owen, Elizabeth Debicki, Sam Spruell, Rihanna Rated PG-13 for Sci-Fi Violence and Action, Suggestive Material and Brief Language The decision to release Luc Besson's new space opera, based on a comic not widely known in the US, next to the juggernaut that is Christopher Nolan's "Dunkirk" is one of two things: balls of steel or a vote of no confidence.  Realistically speaking, it's probably the latter, but my hope is the former, since this is easily the best movie of the summer (no, I haven't seen "Dunkirk" yet).  Not only is it the most brilliantly inventive piece of eye candy since " Speed Racer ," it's also a lot of fun. 500 years in the future, the ISS has gotten so large that it has long since been sent out into the far reaches of space for fear of being pulled in by Earth's gravity.  Now, it serves as a hub for thousands of different alien races.  Two cops for Alpha, as...

1.5/4 Starring: Michael Baldwin, Bill Thornbury, Reggie Bannister, Angus Scrimm Rated R for Nudity, Violence and Intense Scenes When I dream, it's surreal.  It makes total sense while I'm in the dream, but when I wake up, I realize how surreal and incoherent it all is.  Perhaps this effect is what writer/director Don Coscarelli was going for.  The plot rarely makes sense, characters are added and dropped with no explanation, important scenes are left on the cutting room floor while meaningless ones drag on long after they've made their point, and so on.  That this was made during the hippie era should surprise no one. Mike (Baldwin) has just lost his parents.  Now his older brother Jody (Thornbury) has lost one of his friends to suicide.  Actually, he was murdered by a one-night stand post-coitus in a cemetery, but no one knows this.  Mike, who follows his brother around nonstop fearing abandonment, sees the undertaker (Scrimm) take the coffin ...

3/4 Starring: Andy Serkis, Woody Harrelson, Steve Zahn, Amiah Miller Rated PG-13 for Sequences of Sci-Fi Violence and Action, Thematic Elements and Some Disturbing Images "War for the Planet of the Apes" is the grimmest movie of the 2017 summer season.  It's tough, bleak and relentless.  For those of you who are PlayStation owners, I was reminded of "The Last of Us."  It's that dark. After the events in " Dawn of the Planet of the Apes ," relations between the apes and humans are hostile.  Despite offering peace, Caesar (Serkis) is hunted as a war criminal.  But when one of the human leaders, a man only known as the Colonel (Harrelson) murders Caesar's wife and oldest son, he vows revenge. This isn't a straightforward revenge tale.  It's introspective and complex.  Caesar is continually haunted by Koba (Toby Kebbell), whose hatred caused him to bring things to ruin, in his nightmares.  He knows that by walking down this path h...

3/4 Starring: Christian Bale, Ni Ni, Xinyi Zhang, Tianyuan Huang, Dawei Tong, Atsuro Watabe Rated R for Strong Violence including a Sexual Assault, Disturbing Images and Brief Strong Language "The Flowers of War" is by turns thrilling, plodding, heartwrenching, ridiculous, moving, contrived and beautiful.  Most movies are either good or bad.  Rarely do they veer into both territories with such consistency as they do here. In 1937, during the Second Sino-Japanese War, Japan overruns the Chinese city of Nanking, where they proceeded to rape and slaughter 200,000 Chinese soldiers and civilians.  "The Flowers of War," based on the novella by Genling Yan (which was in turn inspired by the diaries of Minnie Vautrin, who witnessed the atrocities), tells the story of John Miller (Bale), a mortician sent into Nanking to bury a priest.  But the drunken boor of man has the bad luck of getting there when things have turned to hell.  He takes refuge in a church with ...

3/4 Starring: Robert Redford, Jennifer Lopez, Morgan Freeman, Becca Gardner, Josh Lucas, Damian Lewis, Bart the Bear Rated PG-13 for Some Violence including Domestic Abuse, and Language We all have skeletons in the closet.  In a strange way, we cling to whatever makes us hurt and grieve, as if by letting go we will forget.  This is of course a falsehood, and anyone who doesn't share your pain will think you're crazy or ruminating on it.  But for those who understand, it makes a twisted sort of sense. That's the conundrum that Einar Gilkyson (Redford) finds himself in.  Years ago, his daughter-in-law was driving the car when she fell asleep at the wheel and crashed.  She survived, but his son did not, and he has never forgiven her.  Eleven years later, he has resigned himself to a life of solitude, looking after his friend Mitch (Freeman) who was the victim of a bear mauling and needs constant care.  Then one day, Jean (Lopez), his much-hated da...

2/4 Starring: Salma Hayek, John Lithgow, Connie Britton, David Warshofsky Rated R for Language and a Scene of Violence With a title as intentionally minimalist and nondescrepit as "Beatriz at Dinner," you'd be forgiven for mistaking it for one of those pretentious European films that critics adore because they espouse their philosophies and are as anti-Michael Bay as you can get.  In this case, it wouldn't be a mistake.  This is one of those self-indulgent bores you were thinking of, only it isn't European and it isn't Dogma 95. Beatriz (Hayek) is a holistic healer living in ritzy Southern California.  She's having a bad week.  She's got a teenage patient who's going to die despite her best efforts, she's overworked and exhausted, and her alcoholic neighbor strangled her pet goat.  She says all this to one of her clients, Cathy (Britton), a well-to-do socialite who has more money than Beatriz could ever hope to get.  Beatriz helped Cath...

2/4 Starring: Robert Redford, Wilford Brimley, Robert Duvall, Kim Basinger, Richard Farnsworth, Darren McGavin, Glenn Close, Robert Prosky, Michael Madsen, Barbara Hershey Rated PG (probably for Brief Violence and a Scene of Mild Sexuality) It would be interesting to know why movies about baseball seem to be all about the nostalgia.  Take " The Sandlot ," for example.  Or "Field of Dreams."  I'm not sure why that is.  Maybe it's because it's known as "America's Game."  Who knows. Roy Hobbs (Redford) is a savant when it comes to baseball.  Able to hit, pitch or catch any ball without fail, he's a natural for the sport.  Nurtured by his father, Roy becomes a prodigy and is well on his way to the majors as he leaves his small town life behind him.  But a run-in with a hotshot known as "The Slammer" (Joe Don Baker in a cameo) and treacherous fan derails his plans.  Sixteen years later, he's back and has put his past be...

1.5/4 Starring: Will Ferrell, Amy Poehler, Jason Mantzoukas, Ryan Simpkins, Nick Kroll, Rob Huebel, Allison Tolman Rated R for Language Throughout, Sexual References, Drug Use, Some Violence and Brief Nudity "The House," a title as boring as the film itself, is an example of a modern Hollywood comedy: a threadbare plot, dumb gags, and a bunch of actors/stand-up comedians being awkward and constantly riffing on things that are supposed to be funny.  Thank you, Seth Rogen. Scott (Ferrell) and Kate (Poehler) have a problem: their daughter Alex (Simpkins) just got accepted to Bucknell University and the town scholarship they were relying on to send her there has been taken away to pay for a new pool.  Out of options and out of luck, Scott and Kate go on a trip to Vegas with their deadbeat, soon-to-be-divorced, gambling-and-porn addicted friend Frank (Mantzoukas) for a reason that, considering their financial trouble, makes you realize why they got themselves in this situa...

3/4 Starring: Tom Holland, Michael Keaton, Robert Downey Jr., Jacob Batalon, Zendaya, Jon Favreau Rated PG-13 for Sci-Fi Action Violence, Some Language and Brief Suggestive Comments Those who know me know how utterly sick I am of superhero movies.  That's mainly because I find them so boring.  Not all (I liked the " Guardians of the Galaxy " movies and " Wonder Woman " is easily the best movie of the summer...not like there's much competition), but most.  The wide majority of them are fan-only movies.  They're meant for the proud nerds who hang out in coffee shops, internet forums, and are as equally obsessed as Joss Whedon.  Movies like " Logan ," " The Avengers " and " Thor: The Dark World " bank on Easter Eggs and comic book references for good writing and fan loyalty instead of good filmmaking.  That's all well and good for the die-hards, but it means boredom for people like me who aren't intimately familia...

1.5/4 Starring (voices): Steve Carrell, Kristen Wiig, Pierre Coffin, Miranda Cosgrove, Dana Gaier, Nev Scharrel, Trey Parker Rated PG for Action and Rude Humor "Despicable Me 3" exists solely because the previous films made money.  There is no other reason for its existence.  True, most (if not all), films are made with the desire to make a profit, but with a movie like " Baby Driver " or " Spirited Away " there is a creative impulse.  Not here.  This movie was made so they could slap the words "Despicable Me" on the poster and rake in money. The third adventure with Gru (Carrell) and his Minions (Coffin) has no plot.  Instead, it's a half dozen little subplots competing for attention, indicating how creatively bankrupt this movie actually is.  Gru (Carrell) is playing the nice guy with his new wife Lucy (Wiig) for the Anti-Villain League.  His new nemesis is Balthazar Bratt (Parker), who wants to steal a giant pinky diamond.  When Br...

3.5/4 Starring: Nicolas Cage, Elisabeth Shue The version being reviewed is unrated.  For the record, the theatrical cut is rated R for Strong Sexuality and Language, Violence and Pervasive Alcohol Abuse "Leaving Las Vegas" is one of those movies that is either a tremendous success or a colossal failure.  There is no safety net with a story like this.  Considering the risk-averse nature of Hollywood, it's a wonder why films like this ever get made, but thank God they do.  We need movies like "Leaving Las Vegas" as much as we need movies like " The Avengers ."  More so, in fact. Despite the dreaminess of its title and premise, and the rather optimistic trailer, "Leaving Las Vegas" is anything but glamorous or easy viewing.  This is a motel that takes place in sleazy motels and even sleazier bars.  The only time it gets close to the glamor is when a night on the town turns into a complete disaster.  Cheap cigarettes and cheap liquor, not...

3.5/4 Starring: Ansel Elgort, Lily James, Kevin Spacey, Jon Hamm, Jamie Foxx, CJ Jones, Elza Gonzalez, Jon Bernthal Rated R for Violence and Language Throughout "Baby Driver" is a strange mishmash of action, music and comedy.  Although the closest anyone comes to singing in this thrill ride is lip-syncing, calling this movie an "action/comedy/musical" wouldn't be that far off base.  And yet it totally works.  It's thrilling without being too serious, cheeky without being too cute, and romantic without being sappy.  It hits the sweet spot. Baby (Elgort) is a getaway driver for criminal mastermind Doc (Spacey).  Years ago, Baby boosted one of Doc's cars filled with a considerable amount of merchandise, and he's been working off the debt ever since.  But Baby is an artist behind the wheel, making Ryan Gosling in " Drive " look like a four-year-old playing "Grand Theft Auto V."  Unfortunately for Doc, Baby has one more heist t...