Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)
1/4
Starring: Megan Fox, Will Arnett, William Fitchner, Noel Fisher, Alan Ritchson, Jeremy Howard, Tohoru Masamune and the voices of Johnny Knoxville and Tony Shaloub
Rated PG-13 for Sci-Fi Action Violence
Everything you heard about how awful the new "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie is is true. It's noisy, maddeningly aggressive, often incoherent and dreadfully unfunny. I'm glad I'm home now. I can watching something of quality that isn't going to give me a headache.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have seen various incarnations over the past 20-odd years. They started out as a comic book in the early 80s, but they didn't break into film and TV until 1990, when the first movie came out. Two sequels followed, and three attempts at a TV series as well. The franchise was dead and buried until an animated movie starring Sarah Michelle Gellar and Ziyi Zhang came out in 2007. It didn't establish a franchise, and that was the last we heard from them since, save for video games that have been coming out with a semi-regular frequency since 1989 (some of which were supposed to be very good, although the most recent one got a brutal beating from GameTrailers).
Which brings us to 2014. Michael Bay, who has let his ego and producing know-how to eclipse his considerable talent, has decided to give the turtles another try. He has selected Jonathan Liebesman, who made the chilling "Darkness Falls" and the video game wannabe "Wrath of the Titans," to helm the project. The resulting film is a soul-sucking monstrosity designed for one purpose: to bring in teenagers (a fickle, but undemanding audience) and get their money.
The plot is not only paper thin, but derivative and boring. The Foot Clan is wreaking havoc on New York City. April O'Neil (Fox) is a reporter assigned to fluff pieces but she's determined to become a real reporter. The plucky April follows leads and begins to believe that there is a vigilante out there who is fighting back, although as her editor (Whoopi Goldberg in what amounts to a cameo) tells her, she has no proof for what any lay person would consider ludicrous. Eventually, she runs into the humanoid Turtles, and discovers a connection between them. But the leader of the Foot clan, Shredder (Masamune), wants the Turtles for his own nefarious means.
We go to movies for a number of reasons, depending on the genre (most people don't go to action movies to have a good cry, unless it's "Titanic"). But the main reason why we go is to be told stories. "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" doesn't aspire to that. It wants to assault viewers with action scenes so aggressive it can be argued that it's criminal behavior, and to market the film so intensely that people feel an obligation to see it. If that's not sadistic, I don't know what is.
The acting is uninspired, but as is the case with anything by Michael Bay, any good performances happen solely by accident. Megan Fox, who apparently has made up with Bay after her getting the ax from the "Transformers" franchise for calling him a Nazi, does what she can. She's not the world's greatest actress, but she gets more flak for her acting ability than she deserves (I'd watch any movie with her over one with Katherine Heigl or Taylor Lautner any day of the week. And twice on Sunday). William Fitchner is slumming for a paycheck, but he can only give a bad performance if he's actively trying to do so. Tony Shaloub is unrecognizable as the Turtles sensei, Splinter. Considering the resulting product, that's a good thing for his career.
Then there are the turtles themselves. They're obviously special effects and look it. They're almost totally deprived of personality. They're only distinguishable by the color of their masks and a single personality trait: the guy in the red is the "leader," the guy in the purple is the obligatory techno-geek, the guy in the orange has the hots for April, and the guy in the blue is...just the guy in the blue.
The best movies are filled with passion and a desire to tell their story. They display craftsmanship and respect for the material and their audience. "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" has nothing but contempt.
Starring: Megan Fox, Will Arnett, William Fitchner, Noel Fisher, Alan Ritchson, Jeremy Howard, Tohoru Masamune and the voices of Johnny Knoxville and Tony Shaloub
Rated PG-13 for Sci-Fi Action Violence
Everything you heard about how awful the new "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie is is true. It's noisy, maddeningly aggressive, often incoherent and dreadfully unfunny. I'm glad I'm home now. I can watching something of quality that isn't going to give me a headache.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have seen various incarnations over the past 20-odd years. They started out as a comic book in the early 80s, but they didn't break into film and TV until 1990, when the first movie came out. Two sequels followed, and three attempts at a TV series as well. The franchise was dead and buried until an animated movie starring Sarah Michelle Gellar and Ziyi Zhang came out in 2007. It didn't establish a franchise, and that was the last we heard from them since, save for video games that have been coming out with a semi-regular frequency since 1989 (some of which were supposed to be very good, although the most recent one got a brutal beating from GameTrailers).
Which brings us to 2014. Michael Bay, who has let his ego and producing know-how to eclipse his considerable talent, has decided to give the turtles another try. He has selected Jonathan Liebesman, who made the chilling "Darkness Falls" and the video game wannabe "Wrath of the Titans," to helm the project. The resulting film is a soul-sucking monstrosity designed for one purpose: to bring in teenagers (a fickle, but undemanding audience) and get their money.
The plot is not only paper thin, but derivative and boring. The Foot Clan is wreaking havoc on New York City. April O'Neil (Fox) is a reporter assigned to fluff pieces but she's determined to become a real reporter. The plucky April follows leads and begins to believe that there is a vigilante out there who is fighting back, although as her editor (Whoopi Goldberg in what amounts to a cameo) tells her, she has no proof for what any lay person would consider ludicrous. Eventually, she runs into the humanoid Turtles, and discovers a connection between them. But the leader of the Foot clan, Shredder (Masamune), wants the Turtles for his own nefarious means.
We go to movies for a number of reasons, depending on the genre (most people don't go to action movies to have a good cry, unless it's "Titanic"). But the main reason why we go is to be told stories. "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" doesn't aspire to that. It wants to assault viewers with action scenes so aggressive it can be argued that it's criminal behavior, and to market the film so intensely that people feel an obligation to see it. If that's not sadistic, I don't know what is.
The acting is uninspired, but as is the case with anything by Michael Bay, any good performances happen solely by accident. Megan Fox, who apparently has made up with Bay after her getting the ax from the "Transformers" franchise for calling him a Nazi, does what she can. She's not the world's greatest actress, but she gets more flak for her acting ability than she deserves (I'd watch any movie with her over one with Katherine Heigl or Taylor Lautner any day of the week. And twice on Sunday). William Fitchner is slumming for a paycheck, but he can only give a bad performance if he's actively trying to do so. Tony Shaloub is unrecognizable as the Turtles sensei, Splinter. Considering the resulting product, that's a good thing for his career.
Then there are the turtles themselves. They're obviously special effects and look it. They're almost totally deprived of personality. They're only distinguishable by the color of their masks and a single personality trait: the guy in the red is the "leader," the guy in the purple is the obligatory techno-geek, the guy in the orange has the hots for April, and the guy in the blue is...just the guy in the blue.
The best movies are filled with passion and a desire to tell their story. They display craftsmanship and respect for the material and their audience. "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" has nothing but contempt.
Definitely have to disagree here, I thought this was a really fun and well-made film.
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