Eternals

 1.5/4

Starring: Gemma Chan, Richard Madden, Salma Hayek, Brian Tyree Henry, Kumail Nanjiani, Angelina Jolie, Lia McHugh, Laura Ridloff, Barry Keoghan, Dong-Seok Ma

Rated PG-13 for Fantasy Violence and Action, Some Language and Brief Sexuality

"Eternals" is your typical Marvel movie: glitzy, overlong, expensive.  And you can predict just about everything in it.  The script is drivel and the jokes are, with one exception, pebble and not especially funny.  There is a big sense of "been there, done that."

What's the story?  Does it matter?  Almost every MCU movie can be summed up as a hero (or group of heroes, in this case) try to solve a crisis only to realize halfway through that everything they thought they knew was dead wrong.  "Eternals" does nothing to deviate from this formula.  Because we know what must happen, there is no suspense or tension.  And because the script is so bland, there is no one to care about.  And that means boredom.

For the past two decades, the mantra for the MCU has been to escalate.  Make everything bigger and better.  But you can only go so far with this method, and things have finally reached their breaking point.  The heroes of this film have eternal life (provided they aren't killed) and are going up against beings who are all but gods.  But how do you express this cinematically?  Frankly, neither Sersi (Chan), Ikaris (Madden), Thena (Jolie) nor any of their comrades seem all that different from The Avengers crowd.  What's more is that they're up against creatures that Iron Man and Thor could have easily turned into their playthings.  When people who are allegedly this powerful turn out to be a group of pussies like this, it's hard to take them seriously.

Putting the silly, derivative plot aside, "Eternals" does have some pleasures.  There are a few strong performances here, Gemma Chan and Richard Madden in particular.  Special mention has to go to Harish Patel, who plays a filmmaker that has some of the best lines.  And the marriage between Brian Tyree Henry and Haaz Sleimann is nicely played.  Henry has the best joke in the movie (the one about Ikea), but that's in the trailer and thus those want to see it can spend two and a half minutes to see it as opposed to two and a half hours.

Director Chloe Zhao successfully finds a way to develop a dozen central characters in a very short amount of time, which is something of an accomplishment.  However, while there are many character-driven scenes that are nicely played, there are just as many that don't.  How these relationships are developed is largely through bickering, and there are times when the film feels less like a superhero movie and more like a supersized soap opera.  Part of the reason is its bloated running length.  There's no reason this film should have lasted as long as it does.

I don't blame her, though.  This is an MCU movie, making her just a hired gun.  The MCU has an extremely specific vision for each one of their films, and anyone who tries to go against the status quo is shown the door.  That is, and has been, the MCU's Achille's Heel.  So while that may keep the die hard fans happy, they make every movie seem like a case of deja vu.

Still, a movie like this does not happen by accident.  It takes a lot of work to make a movie like this, and I'd like to take some time to offer my congratulations to those who made it possible.

First is obviously to MCU head honcho Kevin Feige.  His efforts to create a $200 million extravaganza that looks, sounds and feels exactly like every other $200 million extravaganza he has produced have paid off.  This is, down to its very core, a carbon copy of every other MCU movie since the original "Iron Man."  Not to mention line his pockets and everyone else who has back-end profits from this film or stock in Disney.  He's created a movie franchise that plays equally well to the 14 year old fanboy in Sarasota whose allegiance to Marvel is so strong that he would rather die than own a pair of Batman underpants and the 94 year old grandmother in Mongolia who doesn't speak a word of English.

Then of course there are the companies who produce the merchandise that is associated with the MCU.  They're going to see a fantastic return from the die hard fanboys who will purchase every new Marvel product they can find just so they can post pictures on social media.  Before selling it all on eBay for rent money.

Not to be forgotten are the clickbait sites whose livelihood depends on fanboy obsession.  They're gonna get a lot of clicks from diehards looking for spoilers on future installments (to prove they were "first") or to engage in arguments with those who confirm or deny their "fan theories" (example: "Thena and Deadpool are the SAME PERSON!  Here's why!").  You know who I'm talking about.  Sites like Screen Rant, Den of Geek, Inverse, We Got this Covered.  They splash headlines to their "articles" (read: free advertising and endorphin rushes) everywhere they can.  If you haven't seen crap like: "Gemma Chan's transformation is SERIOUSLY TURNING HEADS" or "Kevin Feige confirms a fan theory we've all thought since day one" or "Only TRUE Eternals fans will recognized these Easter eggs" then you're internet has bee completely down for the last decade and a half.

And finally, to the fans.  Not to the casual fans that just enjoy the spectacle.  No, the die hards.  The Comic Con devotees.  The fanatics that William Shatner made fun of in his infamous SNL skit.  They've finally gotten Hollywood to listen to them.  And why shouldn't they?  After all, they'll send poison pen emails and tweets to actors, directors or even people with the same name as Richard Madden if it doesn't feel exactly the same as the comics they read in elementary school, the TV shows the watched in college, and every other MCU film made so far.  They'll review bomb or hack Rotten Tomatoes and IMDb in fits of apoplectic rage if something doesn't match up to canon with that one banned episode of the Wolverine TV show in the 80s or doesn't contain a shout out to that one guy in panel 17 from the January 1987 issue.

Congratulations to all concerned.  They've pooled their resources, inadvertently or not, to create a a movie where nearly every line can be predicted by everyone in the audience.  There's nothing here, and I mean nothing, to stimulate the mind, to care about, or to excite.  It's just two and a half hours of mind numbing noise.  Unless of course you're a die hard fan worried that it won't match up to canon or anyone with a financial investment in its success, in which case it will result in a huge financial gain.

Then again, "Eternals" hasn't been doing too well at the box office, what with China (Hollywood's primary market) clamping down on foreign films for one reason or another.  Could it be that (gasp!) everyone who enjoys film as something other than a nonstop delivery of addiction to guys and gals in skintight outfits and fan service?  Or could the gluttonous, bloated behemoth that is the superhero genre finally be collapsing in on itself?

I can only hope.