Firestarter (2022)

 1/4

Starring: Zac Efron, Ryan Kiera Armstrong, Sydney Lemmon, Michael Greyeyes, Gloria Reuben, John Beasley

Rated R for Violent Content

Chase movies must have excitement and action.  Even the slow-burn ones (as much as an oxymoron as that sounds, they exist) have a sense of urgency and tension.  This should be as obvious to every member of the audience, much less the director.

So can someone please explain to me then why this new version of "Firestarter" is paced like a Merchant/Ivory movie?

Right off the bat, it becomes clear that something is off.  The opening scenes that explain the set up last far too long.  The pacing is very slack; either I had already gotten what the scene was trying to convey or director Keith Thomas takes far too long to reveal it.  Usually both.  This is a problem that affects virtually every scene in this film.

The premise of the film is ridiculous.  That isn't the problem so much as it's badly implemented.  When they were in college, Andy (Efron) and Vicky (Lemmon) underwent some mysterious experiments that left them with psychic powers.  Andy is a telepath and Vicky can use telekinesis.  Now married, they are living off the radar.  Their daughter Charlie (Armstrong) shares their abilities and can produce fire with her mind.  She can't control it, however, which puts them in a precarious situation.  Then she has an incident at school and Vicky is murdered by an assassin (Greyeyes).  Now Andy and Charlie go on the run, both from the killer and a mysterious government agent (Reuben) who wants to study Charlie's powers for unknown reasons.

It's hokey, sure, but there's no reason that this couldn't have worked as dumb, high energy entertainment. But it doesn't work.  Scene after scene lands with a clang that rings out a clear message: this movie sucks. While the director's inability to create any sort of momentum is enough to sink the project, there are other problems as well.  The screenplay is drivel, the special effects are hardly special, and the story is dull because the characters are both poorly defined and deprived of personality.

The acting doesn't exactly impress.  The role of a telekinetic father doesn't escape the limited talents of Zac Efron, and while he does what he can, there isn't much he can do with the badly written character he was given to play.  Ryan Keira Armstrong manages to not be too cute or precocious, but Charlie is as much of a blank slate as her father.  Who gives a damn about these two?  Sydney Lemmon and Michael Greyeyes are practically invisible; the background furniture makes more of an impression than they do.  As the obligatory hell in heels, Gloria Reuben lacks a certain...panache?  Reuben is a good actress, but she's probably not the best choice to play a villain.  She's about as intimidating as a teddy bear and has just as much bite.  Only John Beasley stands out for a positive reason.  His character is obligatory, but he saves the poor writing that would have sabotaged his performance in other, less experienced hands.

With a movie like this, intelligence and sophistication are of secondary importance to visceral thrills and pyrotechnics.  That its premise is utterly ridiculous doesn't matter.  It's the job of the filmmaker to set the stage well enough that the suspension of disbelief can be overcome, and to keep the tension level high enough that we don't notice or care enough to think about it critically.  This "Firestarter" does neither.  It's dull, unpleasant, and feels an hour longer than it actually is.

Do. Not. Bother.