Last Tango in Paris

 0/4

Starring: Marlon Brando, Maria Schneider

Rated NC-17 for Some Explicit Sexual Content

Should I go along with the crowd and proclaim that "Last Tango in Paris" is every bit the masterpiece that critics have hailed it as?

Or should I say what I really think: "Last Tango in Paris" is a pretentious, incoherent pile of shit?

I think I'll go with the latter.  I have my integrity.

In many ways, "Last Tango in Paris" is a paper tiger.  Its fame is due to the enduring controversy that has followed it in the past fifty years, its sexuality (which is neither lengthy, explicit, or even erotic), and the reputations of its star Marlon Brando and director Bernardo Bertolucci.  Certainly the film itself isn't worth remembering.  None of it makes any sense and it bored me to tears.

One thing that irritates me to no end about "hip" directors and would-be auteurs is when they rely solely on subtext.  All the important elements, like plot and character development for example, are left off screen.  The audience is left to "intuit" their "meaning."  Personally, I think it's a load of crap.  If you're really an auteur, you don't need to rely on an audience "getting it."

What's the plot of this self-indulgent mess?  Hell if I know.  Allegedly, it's about a mysterious man (Brando) who, grieving over the recent suicide of his wife, embarks on a sexual affair with a pretty young girl (Schneider).  They attract and repulse each other in equal measure (I guess).  Meanwhile, she's carrying on a relationship with a budding young filmmaker who, based on the evidence, is not living on planet Earth, if you know what I mean.

Watching "Last Tango in Paris" is like watching leftover pieces of film that, instead of being discarded, were spliced together in more or less random order.  The two leads are constantly saying how much they love each other and plan on moving in together, only to reverse course a few seconds later and say how much they hate each other.  Another example: in one scene, Brando is falling down drunk, yet a few seconds later the camera has followed him out of the club and he is chasing Schneider down the street.  Huh?

Marlon Brando is widely considered to be the greatest film actor who ever lived.  I do not share this view. He was talented, to be sure, and some of his performances ("The Godfather" being the most prominent example) are excellent.  But in general, his reputation outstrips his talent.  His legendary status can be the only reason why he was accorded an Oscar nomination because he is simply awful in this film.  There.  I said it.  Marlon Brando gives a terrible performance.  He's so boring that it quickly becomes impossible to pay attention to him even when I was actively trying to do so.  He has two modes and each one is duller than the next.  He either broods or babbles.  He "stares intensely" and "internalizes," or he spouts out meaningless drivel that tells us nothing about the man he is supposed to be playing.  Brando was improvising (he hated reading scripts and taped cue cards to Schneider's body), which doesn't surprise me.  This is like bad improv at the Learning Annex.

His co-star, Maria Schneider in her first role, is more interesting.  Mainly because she is more energetic and has something of a personality.  Her expressive face and nimble acting can only take the character so far, and there is no saving this monument to Bertolucci's ego.  And libido (the idea sprang from Bertolucci's sexual fantasy of meeting an anonymous woman on the street then sleeping with her.  The lack of compelling content that results just proved Roger Ebert right when he said that there was nothing more boring than listening to someone else's fantasy).

Speaking of sex, which is the only thing noteworthy about this film, it's bark is, with one exception, worse than its bite.  There is some horizontal activity but it's mostly clothed.  Schneider bares it all, which she had no problem with because she felt she was beautiful.  Brando doesn't do the full monty, however, allegedly because his penis shrank to the size of a peanut on camera, and also because Bertolucci felt that showing him naked on camera would be like showing himself naked on camera.  How hypocritical.

"Last Tango in Paris" cannot be discussed in depth without mentioning what Maria Schneider endured during the filming of the infamous butter scene.  In it, her character is raped by Brando's character using butter as a lubricant.  What's shocking is that this scene wasn't in the script; it was concocted on the day of filming by Brando and Bertolucci without consulting her.  Let me repeat that: a young actress on her first film is coerced into performing an improvised rape scene.  When she is crying, she's not acting, and that is just what Bertolucci wanted.  No wonder Schneider called him a gangster and a pimp.  Her feelings about Brando are more ambiguous.  For his part, Brando respected Bertolucci's talent but refused to work with him again.  Both felt they were raped by Bertolucci.  Schneider herself descended into addiction and mental illness after the film's completion and has said that making this film was her only regret.  That turns what is already a waste of time into reprehensible filth.

Even aside from the downright criminal acts perpetrated by the director, the film is still a piece of shit.  It's not coherent.  It's not interesting.  And it is certainly not sexy.  I'll concede that the film looks terrific, but considering that the legendary Vittorio Storaro was the cinematographer, that is to be expected.  That doesn't excuse anything about this movie, though.