Thor: Love and Thunder

 1/4

Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Christian Bale, Tessa Thompson

Rated PG-13 for Intense Sequences of Sci-Fi Violence and Action, Language, Some Suggestive Material and Partial Nudity

"Thor: Love and Thunder" is so lame that calling it "MCU by the numbers" is giving it too much credit.  It's so half-assed that Disney is expecting people to pay to see it is insulting.  It's a vapid, pointless bore that shows that whatever juice is left in the MCU is gone.  There's nowhere to take the character of Thor because his arc has already been completed.

To say that the fourth solo adventure of the Thunder God has a plot is being overly generous.  It's so thin that if anyone gets involved in the story suggests that they find Barney the Purple Dinosaur the height of plot.  This isn't a movie; it's a trailer for a movie that could have been compelling had it been actually written.

Thor (Hemsworth) is trying to "find himself."  After some self-aware moping and an adventure with the Guardians, Thor realizes that what he is missing is Jane Foster (Portman), the one true love of his life.  When he reunites with her, he is shocked to discover that she has taken up Thor's old hammer Mjolnir and become the next Thor (the scene where he realizes this is perhaps the only amusing bit in the movie).  Unfortunately, she has been stricken with cancer.  And a lunatic by the name of Gorr (Bale) is on the warpath, killing every god that he can find.  And Thor is next on his hit-list.

Chris Hemsworth may never be known as a great actor, but he has charm and screen presence.  The role of a superhero doesn't stretch his limited range.  But Hemsworth isn't acting here.  He's preening.  This is an excuse to stretch his ego and expand his bank account.  Making matters worse is that he's constantly stuck in comic bits that range from tedious to torturous.  "Belaboring a joke" has been taken to the extreme here.  Almost to Seth Rogen levels.  He's constantly mugging the camera, proving once again that pointing out a cliche as dumb doesn't make it funny.

Hemsworth's cast members have less to do, but at least they aren't as irritating.  They aren't phoning it in, which makes the film rise above the level of inhuman torture.  Natalie Portman returns, and I can only assume that it was the number of zeroes on the check that drew her to the film.  No other reason explains why the ever-choosy actress would reappear.  Christian Bale, as is his style, disappears into the role of the villain.  Had the movie been better, he could have been genuinely creepy.  Instead, Gorr is almost pathetic.  Only Tessa Thompson is really appealing since her character is written with an edge that is sorely missing from the rest of the film.  Russell Crowe appears as the fatuous Zeus, but he's only in two scenes and is fat and annoying.  Plus he seems to have inhaled helium before each take.

The action scenes are dull.  No one feels like they're ever in any jeopardy, which means there is no suspense.  Taika Waititi wasn't able to fashion any memorable action in "Thor: Ragnarok" and he hasn't gotten any better at it here.  They're bland and boring.  So much so that they can't find the pleasure of seeing Natalie Portman fighting or little kids battling monsters (one of whom does so with a teddy bear).

Clearly, this isn't a movie that was made on any creative impulse.  No one had a story they wanted to tell.  Or if they did, any point of entry was ironed out by studio executives.  No, this was a movie made for the actors to get paid and reward shareholders.  And, of course, give the fanboys the illusion that they are calling the shots instead of treating them with the disdain they so richly deserve.

The movie ends with the words "Thor will return."  My heart sank.  It used to be that sequels were made because enough people liked the movie.  Now, they're made because people like action and special effects and Disney has such an iron grip on the film industry that this is really their only option for summer "entertainment."  To think, what was once hip and fun has become aggravating through egregious repetition.  The stench of this gluttonous behemoth has lowered the standards of film quality to where the test of a positive review is that it wasn't as bad as "Gigli."

It's a half hour shorter than the crap fest that was "Eternals," but that's the only positive quality I can give this epic waste of time.

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