Battleship

3/4

Starring: Taylor Kitsch, Alexander Skarsgaard, Tadanobu Asano, Rihanna, Brooklyn Decker, Gregory T. Gadson, Hamish Linklater, Liam Neeson

Rated PG-13 for Intense Sequences of Violence, Action and Destruction, and for Language

Boy, James Berardinelli is going to hate me for this...

I doubt he actually reads my reviews, but he vilified this movie.  I'm kind of ashamed to admit it, but I had fun watching this movie.  I can see his point.  It's noisy, frentic, loud...I've run out of descriptors and synonyms.  It's also dumb, cliched and loud.  Loud, loud, loud.  There were times when I wanted to cover my ears because it was so loud, and the sounds that the alien ships make when they lock on to a target are incredibly grating.  I'm looking forward to watching Anthony Hopkins in "The Remains of the Day" so my head will stop ringing.

And yet, for those who are looking for loud and noisy action movies and are sick of superheros (or have seen "The Avengers" a zillion times already), this fits the bill.  Plus it's not in 3D.

The story starts out with Alex Hopper (Kitsch), an aimless layabout who is drunkenly trying to woo a hot girl at the bar.  In order to get her to talk to him, he steals a burrito from the nearby gas station (it is here that I should mention that there are two glaring instances of stupidity in this sequence: what gas station, in Hawaii, next to a bar no less closes at midnight, and Alex tries to get in through the roof instead of breaking the glass door.  It's obvious that the latter is meant for comic relief, but it's not very funny).  He gets tazed by the cops, but gets the burrito to the girl.  This irritates his older brother, Stone (Skarsgaard), to no end, and he forces Alex to enlist in the Navy like him.  Shortly thereafter, Alex has risen through the ranks, and won the heart of the girl from the bar (whose name is Sam, and she's played by Brooklyn Decker).  He wants to marry her, but can't get the guts to ask her father, who happens to be the Admiral (and he's played by Liam Neeson).

This is all building up to the confrontation with the aliens.  In 2005, NASA located a planet that could be habitable, so they sent a signal to them to see if there was life there.  Now, five ships have crash landed on Earth, and it soon becomes clear that their intentions are hardly peaceable.  And this just happens to be during RIMPAC, an international event that consists of friendly naval war games.  Alex and Stone go to investigate, but their ships become trapped in a forcefield bubble with seemingly indestructible foes.  Meanwhile, Sam is on top of a mountain hiking with one of her patients, a double amputee named Mick (Gadson), and they run into the aliens as well.

Whew!  There's a lot going on, but it's easy to follow.  Plus, for those who aren't paying attention (texters, this means you!), it's got all the familiar cliches: the rebel without a cause who proves himself by the end, the enemies who become friends, death of a loved one, darkest before the dawn, yadda yadda yadda.

The acting is surprisingly effective.  Taylor Kitsch, who was awful in the megabomb "John Carter," acquits himself reasonably well, although I don't see him getting an Oscar anytime soon.  Methinks he needs to stop imitating Christian Bale's Batman voice.  Alexander Skarsgaard fares better as his brother; he understands the character and he can actually act.  Tadanobu is also good, although his accent is so thick that sometimes it's hard to understand what he's saying.  Pop sensation Rihanna is good, and looks great with a machine gun, but she has some rough edges.  Liam Neeson is on hand merely to pick up a paycheck.  Brooklyn Decker is hot, and she does an okay job as the token female/love interest.  Aside from Skarsgaard, the best performance is given by non-actor Gregory T. Gadson.  A real-life amputee, Gadson exhibits screen presence and acting ability.  The same cannot be said for Hamish Linklater.  Based on his appearance (he looks a lot like underground hipster actor/filmmaker Richard Ayoade) and character, he's meant to bring in the hipster crowd.  But he isn't in any of the trailers, and there's a reason for it: he's incredibly irritating.  By his second scene, I was praying that the aliens would abduct him and do all sorts of horrifying experiments on him (maybe they could find Wes Anderson's appeal).

Peter Berg broke out in Hollywood as an actor, most notably in the noir-thriller "The Last Seduction" and boxing satire "The Great White Hype."  He broke out as a writer/director with the gross-out black comedy "Very Bad Things" starring, among others, Cameron Diaz and Christian Slater.  He appears to have made friends very quickly since Slater and Diaz were at the peak of their popularity at the time "Very Bad Things" was released.  Berg then ventured into action with "The Rundown" and "The Kingdom."  The success of "Hancock" convinced studios of his ability to helm blockbusters, which brings us to "Battleship."  Really, there's not much difference between this and "Transformers," which it was rightfully compared.  Both have ridiculously thin scripts, no character development and lots and lots of loud and aggressive special effects.  The difference here is that Berg's camera isn't on cocaine, so it's possible to see the action scenes (which makes it much more fun and exciting.  They also have the same look.  And lovers of the board game will be happy to know that Berg references the game in unusual and creative ways (and it's not just two people playing the board game thankfully).

A sequel isn't set up, although apparently there's a scene after the end credits that I missed.  But expect another one in a year or two and a third one after that.  The film already recouped its budget overseas before it was released in the United States.  I'm not waiting with baited breath, but if this one is anything to go by, it should be fun.

Look.  It's not great art, and certainly not flawless (there is one scene where a building in Hong Kong breaks in half, and it is disturbingly reminiscent of 9/11 and I don't think that was intentional), but it is fun overall.  There is one thing I must mention.  There are two instances where characters are saying "motherfucker" as a one-liner, but because the MPAA is concrete about its "one fuck" policy, they are cut off.  Unless the MPAA heard something that I didn't, the film could have gotten away with one of those actually being heard.  Regardless, even a 13 year old would understand what was originally being said, which makes it obvious that the MPAA is hypocritical and catering to conservative loudmouths like the Parents Television Council and helicopter parents with their heads in the sand and zero common sense.  As usual.