Vampires
1.5/4
Starring: James Woods, Daniel Baldwin, Sheryl Lee, Tim Guinee, Thomas Ian Griffith, Maximilian Schell
Rated R for Strong Vampire Violence and Gore, Language and Sexuality
I was fortunate enough to run into John Miller (name changed to protect his identity) earlier tonight. Because Mr. Miller is a real-life vampire hunter and devoted film buff, I thought it would be interesting to hear his opinion on John Carpenter's 1998 thriller "Vampires."
Me: So John, let's start with the obvious. What did you think of the movie?
John: It was lame. It had its moments, but I quickly grew bored.
Me: Same here. I nearly fell asleep (although in my defense, it was kind of late). And it had a good premise for kicking a lot of vampire ass. I mean, there's James Woods in full scenery-chewing mode playing a slayer named Jack Crow, who after his team was slaughtered, goes on the hunt for the first real vampire, Jan Valek (Griffith). It's sort of a revenge story with lots of blood and guts.
John: Yeah, but James Woods was awful. I didn't buy him for a second.
Me: Oh, I didn't think he was that bad. I think he was just saddled with an inconsistent character from a poor script and bad direction from John Carpenter, who hasn't done anything halfway decent since "The Thing."
John: Yeah, the script was pretty lame. But all Woods does is yell and scream a lot. He doesn't seem to be invested in the role.
Me: I thought so too. Plus watching him and Daniel Baldwin make jokes while fighting vampires must have been uncomfortable.
John: No, that's pretty real. When you do this day in and day out, you kinda have to build up a sense of humor. Only way to keep your head. My only complaint is that the jokes weren't funny.
Me: Yeah, Woods seemed so badass in the trailer.
John: And he wasn't the only one who was disappointing. Daniel Baldwin kept making me wish for his brother Alec. And Sheryl Lee didn't have much to do either.
Me: She was in "Twin Peaks," you know.
John: Yeah, but I never saw it. I liked the priest guy, Tim Guinee. He was good.
Me: Do you have a priest with you when you go hunting for vampires?
John: Not officially, although many of us are.
Me: Oh. So what did you think of the action sequences?
John: Borrrring! Seriously, they looked so unprofessional. Like it was done on the first take with no rehearsal. In real life, everyone is an expert with firearms and martial arts. You have to be if you want to survive for long. And when you drag a vampire into the sun, the fire is a lot bigger.
Me: What about the storyline? Have you heard of any cross that can let vampires walk in the daylight or anything like that?
John: Nope. They don't exist. If they did, the Vatican would know about it.
Me: So you do work for the Vatican. What about the ending?
John: It was the worst. So ridiculous, so false and so boring. Nuff said.
Me: At least these guys didn't sparkle like they did in "Twilight," right?
John: Bartender! Three shots of tequila! Stat!
Me: Yeah, I'll take a beer. A movie this lame...you kinda have to have one.
Starring: James Woods, Daniel Baldwin, Sheryl Lee, Tim Guinee, Thomas Ian Griffith, Maximilian Schell
Rated R for Strong Vampire Violence and Gore, Language and Sexuality
I was fortunate enough to run into John Miller (name changed to protect his identity) earlier tonight. Because Mr. Miller is a real-life vampire hunter and devoted film buff, I thought it would be interesting to hear his opinion on John Carpenter's 1998 thriller "Vampires."
Me: So John, let's start with the obvious. What did you think of the movie?
John: It was lame. It had its moments, but I quickly grew bored.
Me: Same here. I nearly fell asleep (although in my defense, it was kind of late). And it had a good premise for kicking a lot of vampire ass. I mean, there's James Woods in full scenery-chewing mode playing a slayer named Jack Crow, who after his team was slaughtered, goes on the hunt for the first real vampire, Jan Valek (Griffith). It's sort of a revenge story with lots of blood and guts.
John: Yeah, but James Woods was awful. I didn't buy him for a second.
Me: Oh, I didn't think he was that bad. I think he was just saddled with an inconsistent character from a poor script and bad direction from John Carpenter, who hasn't done anything halfway decent since "The Thing."
John: Yeah, the script was pretty lame. But all Woods does is yell and scream a lot. He doesn't seem to be invested in the role.
Me: I thought so too. Plus watching him and Daniel Baldwin make jokes while fighting vampires must have been uncomfortable.
John: No, that's pretty real. When you do this day in and day out, you kinda have to build up a sense of humor. Only way to keep your head. My only complaint is that the jokes weren't funny.
Me: Yeah, Woods seemed so badass in the trailer.
John: And he wasn't the only one who was disappointing. Daniel Baldwin kept making me wish for his brother Alec. And Sheryl Lee didn't have much to do either.
Me: She was in "Twin Peaks," you know.
John: Yeah, but I never saw it. I liked the priest guy, Tim Guinee. He was good.
Me: Do you have a priest with you when you go hunting for vampires?
John: Not officially, although many of us are.
Me: Oh. So what did you think of the action sequences?
John: Borrrring! Seriously, they looked so unprofessional. Like it was done on the first take with no rehearsal. In real life, everyone is an expert with firearms and martial arts. You have to be if you want to survive for long. And when you drag a vampire into the sun, the fire is a lot bigger.
Me: What about the storyline? Have you heard of any cross that can let vampires walk in the daylight or anything like that?
John: Nope. They don't exist. If they did, the Vatican would know about it.
Me: So you do work for the Vatican. What about the ending?
John: It was the worst. So ridiculous, so false and so boring. Nuff said.
Me: At least these guys didn't sparkle like they did in "Twilight," right?
John: Bartender! Three shots of tequila! Stat!
Me: Yeah, I'll take a beer. A movie this lame...you kinda have to have one.
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