Mike's Musings: Bottom 10 of 2013
While I mentioned that this year had a few huge flops, overall it was a great year for Hollywood. Still, it's that time of year again, where I single out the biggest stinkers of the year.
Dishonorable Mention: Epic. There's no review for this movie because, due to a storm and the cancellation of the remainder of the film by the theater, I was unable to see the entirety of the film. I meant to go back and catch the last ten minutes of the film at a later date, but I never got around to it. And there's certainly no way I'd sit through it again. From what I saw (and there's nothing the film could have done to make me rate it much higher), it would clock in at number 10.
10. You're Next: While this movie was really bad, it's as much an insult to filmgoers on part of the studio to release it so close to the senseless murder of Chris Lane. Aside from that, I still wouldn't have given it a higher rating. The movie sucked. Did the director have too much coffee while filming this?
9. Insidious: Chapter 2. The first chapter was a masterpiece. It scared the living hell out of me, and ended up at number 2 on my Top 10 list that year. This sequel, on the other hand, is an abomination. It doesn't make any sense. The actors have forgotten how to act. And James Wan had absolutely zero interest in any part of this movie other than picking up a paycheck (considering the budget, it must have been modest, although he probably got a percentage of the gross).
8. Evil Dead (2013). I haven't seen the original "Evil Dead," but considering how beloved it is, and how it jump-started Sam Raimi's career, I have to believe that it was better than this piece of garbage. The characters were your average slasher movie characters: stupid and annoying. The only thing worth mentioning about the movie was the gore, which was so over-the-top that it lost its luster very quickly. Barf bag, please!
7. Free Birds. The people behind this crapfest should be ashamed of themselves. This film was marketed towards families with young children. They should be exposed to good movies like "Spirited Away" or anything in the Disney canon. IF they think that every movie is like this, they'll never watch another movie again.
6. Metallica Through the Never. I was actually curious about this movie. The idea of a concert film mixed with a traditional narrative intrigued me. Unfortunately, this is just a concert film about a band with a huge ego and no discernible range or talent. Dane DeHaan and Nimrod Antal deserved better.
5. The Purge. It's the old adage: good premise, bad execution. The idea behind this movie is intriguing, but the film does nothing with it other than to tell a generic home invasion story with a few mildly interesting twists and a villain who won't stop spouting philosophical garbage. At least it was short.
4. This is the End. This movie should have been a lot better than it was. Apparently, everyone else liked it but me. It got great reviews and made a lot of money at the box office. Maybe I was with the wrong crowd. I found it to be extraordinarily self-indulgent (admittedly, there were a few funny moments here and there) and overlong. This movie defined the definition of "missed opportunity."
3. Pacific Rim. And the scariest movie of the year is not a horror movie. It's a loud, gross and incomprehensible wannabe genre movie from the immensely talented Guillermo del Toro. This movie sounds like one of those direct-to-DVD movies you find in the discount bin at Target. And that's where it belongs.
2. Greetings from Tim Buckley. Technically, this movie was made in 2012, but it wasn't released theatrically until this year, which is why I'm including it in this list. There's a very fine line between realistic and dramatically boring. This film crosses it. A little realism goes a long way, and unfortunately, this is all minutiae that isn't interesting at all. Sorry, Penn.
1. Identity Thief. Oh lord, please don't bring up this worthless excuse of celluloid. It's so awful that I'm getting sick just thinking about it. Not only is it the worst movie I've ever seen in the theater, it's one of the most offensive. Hell, it's one of the worst movies I've ever seen, period!
Now, on to a happier list.
Dishonorable Mention: Epic. There's no review for this movie because, due to a storm and the cancellation of the remainder of the film by the theater, I was unable to see the entirety of the film. I meant to go back and catch the last ten minutes of the film at a later date, but I never got around to it. And there's certainly no way I'd sit through it again. From what I saw (and there's nothing the film could have done to make me rate it much higher), it would clock in at number 10.
10. You're Next: While this movie was really bad, it's as much an insult to filmgoers on part of the studio to release it so close to the senseless murder of Chris Lane. Aside from that, I still wouldn't have given it a higher rating. The movie sucked. Did the director have too much coffee while filming this?
9. Insidious: Chapter 2. The first chapter was a masterpiece. It scared the living hell out of me, and ended up at number 2 on my Top 10 list that year. This sequel, on the other hand, is an abomination. It doesn't make any sense. The actors have forgotten how to act. And James Wan had absolutely zero interest in any part of this movie other than picking up a paycheck (considering the budget, it must have been modest, although he probably got a percentage of the gross).
8. Evil Dead (2013). I haven't seen the original "Evil Dead," but considering how beloved it is, and how it jump-started Sam Raimi's career, I have to believe that it was better than this piece of garbage. The characters were your average slasher movie characters: stupid and annoying. The only thing worth mentioning about the movie was the gore, which was so over-the-top that it lost its luster very quickly. Barf bag, please!
7. Free Birds. The people behind this crapfest should be ashamed of themselves. This film was marketed towards families with young children. They should be exposed to good movies like "Spirited Away" or anything in the Disney canon. IF they think that every movie is like this, they'll never watch another movie again.
6. Metallica Through the Never. I was actually curious about this movie. The idea of a concert film mixed with a traditional narrative intrigued me. Unfortunately, this is just a concert film about a band with a huge ego and no discernible range or talent. Dane DeHaan and Nimrod Antal deserved better.
5. The Purge. It's the old adage: good premise, bad execution. The idea behind this movie is intriguing, but the film does nothing with it other than to tell a generic home invasion story with a few mildly interesting twists and a villain who won't stop spouting philosophical garbage. At least it was short.
4. This is the End. This movie should have been a lot better than it was. Apparently, everyone else liked it but me. It got great reviews and made a lot of money at the box office. Maybe I was with the wrong crowd. I found it to be extraordinarily self-indulgent (admittedly, there were a few funny moments here and there) and overlong. This movie defined the definition of "missed opportunity."
3. Pacific Rim. And the scariest movie of the year is not a horror movie. It's a loud, gross and incomprehensible wannabe genre movie from the immensely talented Guillermo del Toro. This movie sounds like one of those direct-to-DVD movies you find in the discount bin at Target. And that's where it belongs.
2. Greetings from Tim Buckley. Technically, this movie was made in 2012, but it wasn't released theatrically until this year, which is why I'm including it in this list. There's a very fine line between realistic and dramatically boring. This film crosses it. A little realism goes a long way, and unfortunately, this is all minutiae that isn't interesting at all. Sorry, Penn.
1. Identity Thief. Oh lord, please don't bring up this worthless excuse of celluloid. It's so awful that I'm getting sick just thinking about it. Not only is it the worst movie I've ever seen in the theater, it's one of the most offensive. Hell, it's one of the worst movies I've ever seen, period!
Now, on to a happier list.
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