Mike's Musings: The Bottom 10 List of 2017
2017 was not a good year for movies. Sure, there were some great ones and a few surprises, but overall it was a year of shovelware. Most of the movies that came out were cash grabs made with so little creative desire that even their fanbases thought they sucked. Hollywood is facing some fierce competition in the movie-making business by online providers like Netflix and Amazon, and TV shows. If Hollywood wants to get movies back on top and fill in theater seats, they have to give audiences a compelling reason to go. That means dumping the old models, like superhero movies which consist of only special effects, fan service, and setting up the next film, and fully improvised "comedies." Taking the easy way out may give you cash up front, but it will cost you in the long run. The time when making movies consisted of checking off all your market bases is over.
Now that that's out of the way, let's get to the fun stuff: getting revenge on the 10 movies that were the most painful to sit through. I paid hard earned money and gave up about 12 hours of my life (give or take) to watch these monstrosities and got screwed in return. It's time to return the favor.
Dishonrable Mention. Logan Lucky. Like "Sleepless," which narrowly missed my list despite my prediction, this movie not only should have been great, it kind of had to be. Director: Steven Sodebergh. Cast: Channing Tatum, Adam Driver, Riley Keough, Katie Holmes, Daniel Craig, Sebastian Stan, Seth MacFarlane, Dwight Yoakam, Hilary Swank. A movie like that should be headed to the Oscars, not ending up in the discount DVD bin. The problem here is that Sodebergh doesn't know what he wants this movie to be: a heist movie or a parody of one. As a result, it's neither. Instead of a wacky, warped tale, it's a dreadful piece of garbage.
10. Rough Night. This is the first of many improvised, or what appears to be improvised, comedies on this list. But instead of starring stand-up comedians without a clue, it has the hottest female star in the world, Scarlett Johannson. What's she doing in this movie? Easily one of the smartest and most talented women working in the entertainment industry, what compelled her to sign on to this? Did she think it would be a way to get paid and have fun while doing so? A break from playing Black Widow? A way to broaden her appeal? Was the money too good to turn down? I don't know, but if I do meet her, I'll ask. Perhaps she was handed a funny, witty script before it was butchered by the screen mugging of her cast mates (specifically Jillian Bell, who manages to be more irritating here than in her other appearance on this list). Whatever the reason, the result is the same.
9. The House. Another improvised movie. Sense a recurring theme? The idea of two suburbanites forming an underground casino to pay for their daughter's college tuition is a little limiting, but it could be good with clever writing and acting. Unfortunately, it's another case of actors shooting their mouths off and mugging for the camera. My God, is this shit getting old. There's no thought or creative drive here. It's bottom of the barrel stuff in more ways than one. Thinking about it makes me wonder if I rated it too highly. Then again, compared to some of the other movies on this list, I suppose it's not that bad. That's not an endorsement in any way, shape or form. "The House" is a terrible movie.
8. Unforgettable. Take the first few letters off of this movie's title, and you'll get the idea of what this movie is like. It's a "stranger within" thriller (a genre of which I am very fond), but done without any intelligence, pacing or escalating tension. Part of the reason is that they cast has-been rom-com queen Katherine Heigl as the villain. Really? Compare her to what Jennifer Jason Leigh did in "Single White Female," and you'll have an idea of what was required for the role and how far Heigl missed the mark. Tessa is boring. Rosario Dawson gives it a game try, but there's no saving this trainwreck.
7. The Duelist. This movie fails because it's in the wrong genre. "The Duelist" is a black comedy that is under the mistaken belief that it's a serious and moving action movie. The problem is that it's impossible to take any of it seriously. It's just as impossible to sympathize with a bunch of bored, hypersensitive and self-absorbed aristocrats with a serious case of bloodlust as it is the drunk, brooding hero who thinks he's in a Martin Scorcese movie but really just wandered in out of some really bad "Twilight" fan fiction. The biggest mystery is why Columbia would have ponied up the dough to distribute this in the U.S. Is there an audience for Russian films about homicidal royalty that I'm unaware of?
6. The Great Wall. Roger Ebert once said that a more specific a film is, the more universal the feelings it generates. That's true; we don't identify with what happens, but why it happens and how characters feel about it. Those two sentences contain more intelligence than in any of the 103 minutes that compromise this trainwreck. Despite having a talented cast and director, this is a completely brainless film. It contains no thought or human feeling; just soulless spectacle to bring in everyone on Earth. As a result, it brought in no one.
5. Fist Fight. This movie was torture whose slim redemption comes from the fact that it did manage to land a few successful jokes. I recall one instance with a horse that got a big belly laugh from me. But that's a small concession for a movie born of arrogance, laziness, and yes, bad improv. But the real killer is that it rests on the shoulders of the incredibly irritating Charlie Day. I get that "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" is kind of a cult TV show (it doesn't do much for me personally), but that's a half-hour sitcom with commercials and "Horrible Bosses" was popular enough to make a sequel that no one saw. The idea this whiny loser could hold his own movie is absurd. No wonder Ice Cube looks so pissed off in this movie: he's stuck in a woeful would-be comedy with Charlie Day and the just as annoying Jillian Bell. After this movie, I hope he fired his agent.
4. The Little Hours. If this movie wasn't improvised from top to bottom, I'd be very surprised. It appears to have been shot on one take: actors are stiff, the shot selection is unsophisticated, and the timing is consistently off. Even respected funny actors like Molly Shannon and John C. Reilly are flat. It's not the idea of having a mute guy in a convent of horny, man-hating nuns that's the problem. It's that the screenplay is non-existent. When you have a riff on quiches in a sex comedy, you've got problems. If writer/director Jeff Baena actually gave his actors direction, it was to make them have a plot. Too bad it's one that would be too thin to sustain a skit on "SNL." This movie created a bit of controversy in the Catholic League when it was released. Normally I'd roll my eyes and groan since they bitch about any movie that doesn't play Catholic religious officials as anything but perfect, but in this case, it would be hard to blame them. If I was associated with this movie, even tangentially, I'd be pissed too.
3. War on Everyone. What's wrong with this comedy filled with up and coming stars? A better question would be what does it do right. The answer? Almost nothing. Everything about this movie is a complete disaster. The plot makes no sense. The acting is horrible. It's boring. It never wants to end. I suppose it's trying to be a black comedy/satire, but of what? The movie is so desperately trying to be hip and offbeat that becomes stupid and nonsensical. It's so bad that I couldn't tell whether they were trying to make jokes or not. You'd think a movie that stars talent like this would be good, but no. Everyone is buried alive in this movie. This movie is so pathetic that it name drops intellectuals and historical figures in an attempt to be quirky and smart. You know what? I'm not buying it. Unfortunately, I did buy a cheap Blu Ray copy of this movie, so I'm stuck with seeing a reminder of this piece of shit every time I go to my movie rack. Such is the life of a movie critic.
2. Annabelle: Creation. Admittedly, it's hard to walk into a movie that's a sequel to a mediocre spin-off of a popular movie with much enthusiasm. Still, I remained hopeful for at least a moderately interesting story or a few cheap thrills. Never in my darkest imagination did I think that it would be this atrocious. This movie sucked. Big time. It was saved from the #1 slot by some decent performances and one creepy scene. But boy oh boy was this movie boring! It moved with at a glacial pace with no dramatic tension whatsoever. It is slow to get started, slow to get going, and slow to end. A deliberate pace can be terrifying if done right, but director David F. Sandberg is definitely no Ti West. If slow-burn horror is your thing, check out "The Innkeepers." Leave this one to the dogs.
1. Split. Once upon a time, M. Night Shyamalan was the talk of Hollywood. With one hit after another, he was viewed as the next Spielberg. Then, he had a misfire. Then another. And another. Soon his career was in freefall, and with the two notorious duds "The Last Airbender" and "The Happening," the once first-class name had become a world-class joke. "Split" will not reverse that trend, despite the valiant attempts of James McAvoy to salvage this utterly hopeless movie. Or maybe it will, since it made enough money to earn a sequel that will tie into the cult hit "Unbreakable." Then again, that's not saying much, since "Neighbors 2" also made a profit. Believe it or not. You get what you pay for, I guess.
Now that that's out of the way, let's get to the fun stuff: getting revenge on the 10 movies that were the most painful to sit through. I paid hard earned money and gave up about 12 hours of my life (give or take) to watch these monstrosities and got screwed in return. It's time to return the favor.
Dishonrable Mention. Logan Lucky. Like "Sleepless," which narrowly missed my list despite my prediction, this movie not only should have been great, it kind of had to be. Director: Steven Sodebergh. Cast: Channing Tatum, Adam Driver, Riley Keough, Katie Holmes, Daniel Craig, Sebastian Stan, Seth MacFarlane, Dwight Yoakam, Hilary Swank. A movie like that should be headed to the Oscars, not ending up in the discount DVD bin. The problem here is that Sodebergh doesn't know what he wants this movie to be: a heist movie or a parody of one. As a result, it's neither. Instead of a wacky, warped tale, it's a dreadful piece of garbage.
10. Rough Night. This is the first of many improvised, or what appears to be improvised, comedies on this list. But instead of starring stand-up comedians without a clue, it has the hottest female star in the world, Scarlett Johannson. What's she doing in this movie? Easily one of the smartest and most talented women working in the entertainment industry, what compelled her to sign on to this? Did she think it would be a way to get paid and have fun while doing so? A break from playing Black Widow? A way to broaden her appeal? Was the money too good to turn down? I don't know, but if I do meet her, I'll ask. Perhaps she was handed a funny, witty script before it was butchered by the screen mugging of her cast mates (specifically Jillian Bell, who manages to be more irritating here than in her other appearance on this list). Whatever the reason, the result is the same.
9. The House. Another improvised movie. Sense a recurring theme? The idea of two suburbanites forming an underground casino to pay for their daughter's college tuition is a little limiting, but it could be good with clever writing and acting. Unfortunately, it's another case of actors shooting their mouths off and mugging for the camera. My God, is this shit getting old. There's no thought or creative drive here. It's bottom of the barrel stuff in more ways than one. Thinking about it makes me wonder if I rated it too highly. Then again, compared to some of the other movies on this list, I suppose it's not that bad. That's not an endorsement in any way, shape or form. "The House" is a terrible movie.
8. Unforgettable. Take the first few letters off of this movie's title, and you'll get the idea of what this movie is like. It's a "stranger within" thriller (a genre of which I am very fond), but done without any intelligence, pacing or escalating tension. Part of the reason is that they cast has-been rom-com queen Katherine Heigl as the villain. Really? Compare her to what Jennifer Jason Leigh did in "Single White Female," and you'll have an idea of what was required for the role and how far Heigl missed the mark. Tessa is boring. Rosario Dawson gives it a game try, but there's no saving this trainwreck.
7. The Duelist. This movie fails because it's in the wrong genre. "The Duelist" is a black comedy that is under the mistaken belief that it's a serious and moving action movie. The problem is that it's impossible to take any of it seriously. It's just as impossible to sympathize with a bunch of bored, hypersensitive and self-absorbed aristocrats with a serious case of bloodlust as it is the drunk, brooding hero who thinks he's in a Martin Scorcese movie but really just wandered in out of some really bad "Twilight" fan fiction. The biggest mystery is why Columbia would have ponied up the dough to distribute this in the U.S. Is there an audience for Russian films about homicidal royalty that I'm unaware of?
6. The Great Wall. Roger Ebert once said that a more specific a film is, the more universal the feelings it generates. That's true; we don't identify with what happens, but why it happens and how characters feel about it. Those two sentences contain more intelligence than in any of the 103 minutes that compromise this trainwreck. Despite having a talented cast and director, this is a completely brainless film. It contains no thought or human feeling; just soulless spectacle to bring in everyone on Earth. As a result, it brought in no one.
5. Fist Fight. This movie was torture whose slim redemption comes from the fact that it did manage to land a few successful jokes. I recall one instance with a horse that got a big belly laugh from me. But that's a small concession for a movie born of arrogance, laziness, and yes, bad improv. But the real killer is that it rests on the shoulders of the incredibly irritating Charlie Day. I get that "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" is kind of a cult TV show (it doesn't do much for me personally), but that's a half-hour sitcom with commercials and "Horrible Bosses" was popular enough to make a sequel that no one saw. The idea this whiny loser could hold his own movie is absurd. No wonder Ice Cube looks so pissed off in this movie: he's stuck in a woeful would-be comedy with Charlie Day and the just as annoying Jillian Bell. After this movie, I hope he fired his agent.
4. The Little Hours. If this movie wasn't improvised from top to bottom, I'd be very surprised. It appears to have been shot on one take: actors are stiff, the shot selection is unsophisticated, and the timing is consistently off. Even respected funny actors like Molly Shannon and John C. Reilly are flat. It's not the idea of having a mute guy in a convent of horny, man-hating nuns that's the problem. It's that the screenplay is non-existent. When you have a riff on quiches in a sex comedy, you've got problems. If writer/director Jeff Baena actually gave his actors direction, it was to make them have a plot. Too bad it's one that would be too thin to sustain a skit on "SNL." This movie created a bit of controversy in the Catholic League when it was released. Normally I'd roll my eyes and groan since they bitch about any movie that doesn't play Catholic religious officials as anything but perfect, but in this case, it would be hard to blame them. If I was associated with this movie, even tangentially, I'd be pissed too.
3. War on Everyone. What's wrong with this comedy filled with up and coming stars? A better question would be what does it do right. The answer? Almost nothing. Everything about this movie is a complete disaster. The plot makes no sense. The acting is horrible. It's boring. It never wants to end. I suppose it's trying to be a black comedy/satire, but of what? The movie is so desperately trying to be hip and offbeat that becomes stupid and nonsensical. It's so bad that I couldn't tell whether they were trying to make jokes or not. You'd think a movie that stars talent like this would be good, but no. Everyone is buried alive in this movie. This movie is so pathetic that it name drops intellectuals and historical figures in an attempt to be quirky and smart. You know what? I'm not buying it. Unfortunately, I did buy a cheap Blu Ray copy of this movie, so I'm stuck with seeing a reminder of this piece of shit every time I go to my movie rack. Such is the life of a movie critic.
2. Annabelle: Creation. Admittedly, it's hard to walk into a movie that's a sequel to a mediocre spin-off of a popular movie with much enthusiasm. Still, I remained hopeful for at least a moderately interesting story or a few cheap thrills. Never in my darkest imagination did I think that it would be this atrocious. This movie sucked. Big time. It was saved from the #1 slot by some decent performances and one creepy scene. But boy oh boy was this movie boring! It moved with at a glacial pace with no dramatic tension whatsoever. It is slow to get started, slow to get going, and slow to end. A deliberate pace can be terrifying if done right, but director David F. Sandberg is definitely no Ti West. If slow-burn horror is your thing, check out "The Innkeepers." Leave this one to the dogs.
1. Split. Once upon a time, M. Night Shyamalan was the talk of Hollywood. With one hit after another, he was viewed as the next Spielberg. Then, he had a misfire. Then another. And another. Soon his career was in freefall, and with the two notorious duds "The Last Airbender" and "The Happening," the once first-class name had become a world-class joke. "Split" will not reverse that trend, despite the valiant attempts of James McAvoy to salvage this utterly hopeless movie. Or maybe it will, since it made enough money to earn a sequel that will tie into the cult hit "Unbreakable." Then again, that's not saying much, since "Neighbors 2" also made a profit. Believe it or not. You get what you pay for, I guess.
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