Mike's Musings: Why Being Gay Sucks...Part 2
About six months ago, I wrote a Mike's Musings about why being gay sucks. I've made a few posts about my frustrations with dating and the gay community as a whole, but nevertheless, I still don't think I've gotten all of my thoughts out on the page. So if I repeat myself, or if you know me personally and have heard me say this stuff ad nauseum, bear with me. And for the record, these are not personal complaints. I've had the same coversation with the few gay men I care to know.
Problem #1: Anything goes in the LGBT community.
In theory, it's a good thing where everyone is accepted regardless of who they are. But the problem with that is that anything goes. Everyone can and is dressing and acting as quirky as possible, whether it's some sort of rebellion or newfound freedom, dressing in loud, kitschy outfits is considered "festive" and "unique." But it's gotten to the point where there's no way to tell the difference between someone who is "expressing themselves" or has some serious issues. There's no compass of normalcy. Rather than foster a sense of togetherness, it promotes cliquishness and exclusivity. People stick with who they know and fit in with. Just like in middle school, which is what the gay community at times feels like. Cattiness and clever put-downs are hallmarks of drag shows, but is that really healthy for a person's self-esteem, especially when they feel so distanced from normal society? Doubtful. People's behavior, no matter how depraved, is excused too since there are absolutely no communal rules of decorum. Whether it's forcing your friend to wait in the car while you have sex with your "fuck buddy" or, shockingly, a random stranger, or sticking your hand down a man's pants because you feel like it, it's all accepted. Even worse is that you're constantly expected to keep up with new terms that people use to describe themselves, and there are new ones almost daily. For example, "demisexual" is used to describe people who are only attracted to people they have an emotional connection with and "polyamorous" is people who want to have romantic attachments to other people. Puh-leeze! The first term describes everyone, so it just reeks of desperation. The second one is a cover for people who want a loyal partner that is okay with them sleeping around. Everyone is attracted to other people at one time or another, even if they are in a relationship. But they make a choice to ignore those feelings and devote their attention to the one they love. Using scientific terminology as a cover for wanting permission to cheat is pathetic. I mean, what's next? Quasi-gay? Metasexual?
Problem #2: You're expected to make concessions for people with obvious turn-offs.
I get that couples have to forgive each other's faults or that no one is perfect. That's not what this is about. What I mean is that, as a gay man, I'm expected to date someone who talks like a woman, dyes their hair pink and has ear and nose gauges simply because they're "expressing themselves" or "being authentic." It's one thing to have your own tastes. It's quite another to be attracted to Jake Gyllenhaal or Ryan Reynolds and expect them to be into you when you're 45 and have the same hairdo as Justin Bieber at age 14 (colored purple). I've been told that I have to make concessions for those quirks because they're just "being themselves." This is indicative of the problem of having no center of normalcy. Being yourself is fine. But when there are no boundaries for what is culturally acceptable, it makes it hard to date, because people think you've got issues with your sexuality or are just being bitchy. But why should I have to overlook things that I find unattractive or even repulsive for someone else's sake? Let me put it this way. Hetero guys, would you date a woman who dresses like a trucker and talks like a dude so she can be "authentic" or "artistic?" Or hetero girls, would you date a guy who paints his fingernails, tweezes his eyebrows and wears makeup daily so he can "be himself?" I'm guessing the answer is no. So when I tell you that I'm expected to be totally into this, you see what I mean.
In such an aggressively open culture, there's no way anyone could possibly fit in, or feel like they do. That leaves everyone miserable. It also makes it virtually impossible to separate those who are being "unique" from those who have legitimate psychiatric issues. Some of what goes on in the LGBT community isn't self-expression. It's a cry for help and attention, but one that goes unheard.
Problem #3: It alienates our straight allies.
So much openness turns off a lot of people. And it's not just them being close-minded or unaccepting. It genuinely freaks them out. I know plenty of straight people who are 100% supportive of gay rights and are totally cool with the LGBT community but find all this flashiness and "anything goes" mentality disturbing. A lot of my friends know I'm gay and are cool with it (or as cool as the "BRO CODE" will allow them to be), but if I started dressing like a Vegas showgirl and flaunting my "gay-ness," they'd run the other way. And who can blame them? When I first realized I was gay, I was terrified not of people finding out, but that I would end up with an ambiguously gendered weirdo who wore makeup and eyeliner but had a beard like one of the guys from ZZ Top. As funny and bizarre as that sounds, it would totally go in the LGBT community. And God help me if I said I wasn't attracted to him because of that at Pride. Why do you think there's a backlash against political correctness? Or that Seth Rogen, despite making some of the worst, most epically offensive, movies ever made, continues to be huge with college-aged BROS? Or that guys are terrified of having sexual fantasies about a guy (yes, some straight guys do)? Because rather than accepting and open, they find this whole thing terrifying. People who know me know that I'm a regular guy. The only non-BRO thing about me is that I'm not attracted to girls and I could care less about sports. I don't go to the gay bars because I can't handle all the drama and quirkiness. Believe it or not, I don't find having my crotch grabbed by a drag queen or being stalked around the Grove attractive. That "converting straight guys" is an inside joke in the gay community is indicative of the entire problem.
I hate dating in the gay community. Where anything goes, even the most reprehensible behavior is acceptable. I've been left in a car while the driver left to go have sex on impulse (twice). I've had my crotch grabbed by random people without permission and then told that I should have expected it because I was at a gay bar. I've been told that I should go out with a certain guy because he "doesn't stay single for long." I've lost count of how many times I've arrived at a date having been led to believe that he was a normal straight-acting guy only to have gained 100 pounds from his last picture and talked like a girl.
And after all this, I can't even begin to tell you how utterly agonizing it is to see plenty of handsome straight guys whenever I walk out the door. Not only because they're straight and therefore uninterested in me romantically, but because even saying hello will make him think I'm trying to seduce him.
So yes, being gay fucking sucks.
Problem #1: Anything goes in the LGBT community.
In theory, it's a good thing where everyone is accepted regardless of who they are. But the problem with that is that anything goes. Everyone can and is dressing and acting as quirky as possible, whether it's some sort of rebellion or newfound freedom, dressing in loud, kitschy outfits is considered "festive" and "unique." But it's gotten to the point where there's no way to tell the difference between someone who is "expressing themselves" or has some serious issues. There's no compass of normalcy. Rather than foster a sense of togetherness, it promotes cliquishness and exclusivity. People stick with who they know and fit in with. Just like in middle school, which is what the gay community at times feels like. Cattiness and clever put-downs are hallmarks of drag shows, but is that really healthy for a person's self-esteem, especially when they feel so distanced from normal society? Doubtful. People's behavior, no matter how depraved, is excused too since there are absolutely no communal rules of decorum. Whether it's forcing your friend to wait in the car while you have sex with your "fuck buddy" or, shockingly, a random stranger, or sticking your hand down a man's pants because you feel like it, it's all accepted. Even worse is that you're constantly expected to keep up with new terms that people use to describe themselves, and there are new ones almost daily. For example, "demisexual" is used to describe people who are only attracted to people they have an emotional connection with and "polyamorous" is people who want to have romantic attachments to other people. Puh-leeze! The first term describes everyone, so it just reeks of desperation. The second one is a cover for people who want a loyal partner that is okay with them sleeping around. Everyone is attracted to other people at one time or another, even if they are in a relationship. But they make a choice to ignore those feelings and devote their attention to the one they love. Using scientific terminology as a cover for wanting permission to cheat is pathetic. I mean, what's next? Quasi-gay? Metasexual?
Problem #2: You're expected to make concessions for people with obvious turn-offs.
I get that couples have to forgive each other's faults or that no one is perfect. That's not what this is about. What I mean is that, as a gay man, I'm expected to date someone who talks like a woman, dyes their hair pink and has ear and nose gauges simply because they're "expressing themselves" or "being authentic." It's one thing to have your own tastes. It's quite another to be attracted to Jake Gyllenhaal or Ryan Reynolds and expect them to be into you when you're 45 and have the same hairdo as Justin Bieber at age 14 (colored purple). I've been told that I have to make concessions for those quirks because they're just "being themselves." This is indicative of the problem of having no center of normalcy. Being yourself is fine. But when there are no boundaries for what is culturally acceptable, it makes it hard to date, because people think you've got issues with your sexuality or are just being bitchy. But why should I have to overlook things that I find unattractive or even repulsive for someone else's sake? Let me put it this way. Hetero guys, would you date a woman who dresses like a trucker and talks like a dude so she can be "authentic" or "artistic?" Or hetero girls, would you date a guy who paints his fingernails, tweezes his eyebrows and wears makeup daily so he can "be himself?" I'm guessing the answer is no. So when I tell you that I'm expected to be totally into this, you see what I mean.
In such an aggressively open culture, there's no way anyone could possibly fit in, or feel like they do. That leaves everyone miserable. It also makes it virtually impossible to separate those who are being "unique" from those who have legitimate psychiatric issues. Some of what goes on in the LGBT community isn't self-expression. It's a cry for help and attention, but one that goes unheard.
Problem #3: It alienates our straight allies.
So much openness turns off a lot of people. And it's not just them being close-minded or unaccepting. It genuinely freaks them out. I know plenty of straight people who are 100% supportive of gay rights and are totally cool with the LGBT community but find all this flashiness and "anything goes" mentality disturbing. A lot of my friends know I'm gay and are cool with it (or as cool as the "BRO CODE" will allow them to be), but if I started dressing like a Vegas showgirl and flaunting my "gay-ness," they'd run the other way. And who can blame them? When I first realized I was gay, I was terrified not of people finding out, but that I would end up with an ambiguously gendered weirdo who wore makeup and eyeliner but had a beard like one of the guys from ZZ Top. As funny and bizarre as that sounds, it would totally go in the LGBT community. And God help me if I said I wasn't attracted to him because of that at Pride. Why do you think there's a backlash against political correctness? Or that Seth Rogen, despite making some of the worst, most epically offensive, movies ever made, continues to be huge with college-aged BROS? Or that guys are terrified of having sexual fantasies about a guy (yes, some straight guys do)? Because rather than accepting and open, they find this whole thing terrifying. People who know me know that I'm a regular guy. The only non-BRO thing about me is that I'm not attracted to girls and I could care less about sports. I don't go to the gay bars because I can't handle all the drama and quirkiness. Believe it or not, I don't find having my crotch grabbed by a drag queen or being stalked around the Grove attractive. That "converting straight guys" is an inside joke in the gay community is indicative of the entire problem.
I hate dating in the gay community. Where anything goes, even the most reprehensible behavior is acceptable. I've been left in a car while the driver left to go have sex on impulse (twice). I've had my crotch grabbed by random people without permission and then told that I should have expected it because I was at a gay bar. I've been told that I should go out with a certain guy because he "doesn't stay single for long." I've lost count of how many times I've arrived at a date having been led to believe that he was a normal straight-acting guy only to have gained 100 pounds from his last picture and talked like a girl.
And after all this, I can't even begin to tell you how utterly agonizing it is to see plenty of handsome straight guys whenever I walk out the door. Not only because they're straight and therefore uninterested in me romantically, but because even saying hello will make him think I'm trying to seduce him.
So yes, being gay fucking sucks.
Not sure how I found this site, but I have a few issues with this:
ReplyDelete1. Nobody can force you to date anyone. If you don't like the way someone looks, don't date them in the first place. If you date someone, find out they are messy and this bothers you but you accept it and move on, then THAT is looking past someone's flaws. It's not a flaw to have pink hair, that's a preference.
2. You're too cynical to be picky. Nobody will date you with this garbage attitude you have. Go find something that makes you happy. You don't need to date if you're this miserable alone.
3. You not once mentioned ANYTHING you bring to the table that's so special that you get to put everyone else down like this. It just sounds like you hate yourself. This entire thing is just you projecting your own insecurities and convincing yourself that everyone else sucks, when you actually are just unhappy with yourself. This is that "middle school/I'm so unique" mentality that you literally just claimed to despise.
4. Leave Seth Rogen out of this.