The Condemned
1.5/4
Starring: Steve Austin, Vinnie Jones, Robert Mammone, Tory Mussett, Rick Hoffman, Madeline West
Rated R for Pervasive Strong Brutal Violence, and for Langauge
Expecting anything beyond a guilty pleasure from a "Battle Royale" knock-off produced by the WWE is a fool's errand. Expecting something with at least half as many brain cells as testosterone is just as pointless. But could it at least have been entertaining? And could it not have made me feel like a sociopath for laughing at some of the film's more ridiculous moments?
A psychopathic reality TV producer by the name of Breckel (Mammone) has an idea: get ten death row inmates from around the world, put them on a camera-rigged island and have them fight to the death. The last man standing gets to go free. In true Hollywood fashion, he's taking a tried and true formula and passing it off as his own, although no one in this movie is smart enough to realize it. One is an ex-British SAS fighter named McStarley (Jones), a sadist who you pray will lose simply because you don't want your worst enemy to run into him (even in broad daylight in Times Square). The other is Conrad (Austin), who doesn't say much and doesn't have much of a past. The other eight are simply on hand to fill body bags. There's also Breckel's minions who are caught between the lure of guilt and insane amounts of cash.
As you can imagine, this isn't an actor's show. Stone Cold Steve Austin has undeniable screen presence, but I cringed every time he opened his mouth. Thank God neither David Mamet nor Quentin Tarantino had any input on the script. Or considering the result, maybe that would be a shame. Vinnie Jones appears to be enjoying himself as much as his character. Robert Mammone tries to be badass yet underplay his role. And veteran asshole Rick Hoffman plays someone who is not obnoxious for once.
So the movie is too dumb and too badly acted to work as anything but a b-movie adrenaline cocktail. Does it at least work on that level? Not really. One reason is that because of how the script is written, most of the characters don't get a fight scene. They either make mistakes worthy of slasher villain fodder or they commit hara-kiri for one reason or another. The other reason is that the camera shakes uncontrollably whenever a fight breaks out, which kind of defeats the purpose.
Since I had nothing better to do with my time while watching this sorry excuse for an action movie, I decided to apply logic to a film that so obviously doesn't want it. Call it vengeance or spite, it did get me thinking as well as provide a few cheap laughs at its expense.
First, are there enough sociopaths in the world who would be willing to participate in this kind of event? And are there really that many people who would watch a snuff film in real time, especially if they have to pay fifty bucks for the privilege? And are people so corrupt that they'd actually hand over death row inmates for something like this (payment aside)? And what would Breckel and his co-conspirators do after the event is over? Wouldn't he run afoul of, say, the International Criminal Court? Since Breckel hypes the event to anyone who will listen and uses his real name (not to mention adds a few billion to his bank account), wouldn't it be impossibly easy to track him down? Believe me, these aren't the only questions I came up with.
I'll admit that the film does have some campy charm. There are quite a few unintentional laughs, such as the sanctimonious (and hypocritical) moral at the end or some truly awful acting. But considering the context, a few of them are downright sick and will make you feel vile for laughing at it.
"The Condemned" is aptly titled. It shouldn't be seen by anyone. But at least I can take comfort in the fact that it could have been much, much worse.
Starring: Steve Austin, Vinnie Jones, Robert Mammone, Tory Mussett, Rick Hoffman, Madeline West
Rated R for Pervasive Strong Brutal Violence, and for Langauge
Expecting anything beyond a guilty pleasure from a "Battle Royale" knock-off produced by the WWE is a fool's errand. Expecting something with at least half as many brain cells as testosterone is just as pointless. But could it at least have been entertaining? And could it not have made me feel like a sociopath for laughing at some of the film's more ridiculous moments?
A psychopathic reality TV producer by the name of Breckel (Mammone) has an idea: get ten death row inmates from around the world, put them on a camera-rigged island and have them fight to the death. The last man standing gets to go free. In true Hollywood fashion, he's taking a tried and true formula and passing it off as his own, although no one in this movie is smart enough to realize it. One is an ex-British SAS fighter named McStarley (Jones), a sadist who you pray will lose simply because you don't want your worst enemy to run into him (even in broad daylight in Times Square). The other is Conrad (Austin), who doesn't say much and doesn't have much of a past. The other eight are simply on hand to fill body bags. There's also Breckel's minions who are caught between the lure of guilt and insane amounts of cash.
As you can imagine, this isn't an actor's show. Stone Cold Steve Austin has undeniable screen presence, but I cringed every time he opened his mouth. Thank God neither David Mamet nor Quentin Tarantino had any input on the script. Or considering the result, maybe that would be a shame. Vinnie Jones appears to be enjoying himself as much as his character. Robert Mammone tries to be badass yet underplay his role. And veteran asshole Rick Hoffman plays someone who is not obnoxious for once.
So the movie is too dumb and too badly acted to work as anything but a b-movie adrenaline cocktail. Does it at least work on that level? Not really. One reason is that because of how the script is written, most of the characters don't get a fight scene. They either make mistakes worthy of slasher villain fodder or they commit hara-kiri for one reason or another. The other reason is that the camera shakes uncontrollably whenever a fight breaks out, which kind of defeats the purpose.
Since I had nothing better to do with my time while watching this sorry excuse for an action movie, I decided to apply logic to a film that so obviously doesn't want it. Call it vengeance or spite, it did get me thinking as well as provide a few cheap laughs at its expense.
First, are there enough sociopaths in the world who would be willing to participate in this kind of event? And are there really that many people who would watch a snuff film in real time, especially if they have to pay fifty bucks for the privilege? And are people so corrupt that they'd actually hand over death row inmates for something like this (payment aside)? And what would Breckel and his co-conspirators do after the event is over? Wouldn't he run afoul of, say, the International Criminal Court? Since Breckel hypes the event to anyone who will listen and uses his real name (not to mention adds a few billion to his bank account), wouldn't it be impossibly easy to track him down? Believe me, these aren't the only questions I came up with.
I'll admit that the film does have some campy charm. There are quite a few unintentional laughs, such as the sanctimonious (and hypocritical) moral at the end or some truly awful acting. But considering the context, a few of them are downright sick and will make you feel vile for laughing at it.
"The Condemned" is aptly titled. It shouldn't be seen by anyone. But at least I can take comfort in the fact that it could have been much, much worse.
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