Hell Ride
1/4
Starring: Larry Bishop, Michael Madsen, Eric Balfour, Vinnie Jones, Leonor Varela, Dennis Hopper, David Carradine
Rated R for Strong Violence, Sexual Content including Graphic Nudity and Dialogue, Language and Drug Use
Five reasons why "Hell Ride" sucks...
1. It is completely incoherent. "Hell Ride" took about two minutes to lose me, and it had so little value at that point that I didn't bother trying to figure out what was going on. Or even who was who. Both the plot and the characters seemed to change on a whim. As far as I could tell, this is a revenge story between two biker gangs regarding a decades old murder, but there's also a treasure hunt and interpersonal squabbling. Alliances seem to shift with the needs of the plot.
2. The acting is awful. Larry Bishop tries to do an exploitation flick version of Jack Sparrow, but the only thing interesting about him is his eyes. Michael Madsen looks like he'd rather be anywhere else. Eric Balfour blends into the background. Vinnie Jones acts like a psycho. Leonor Varela is fine I guess as the oversexed girlfriend. Dennis Hopper and David Carradine seemed to have appear in this stinker as a result of a lost bet. Or maybe Bishop had nasty pictures of them.
3. It's unbelievably pretentious. "Pretentious exploitation flick." If that sounds like an oxymoron to you, well, that's because it is. Exploitation flicks are not complicated. The bar is set extremely low. As long as they have the requisite amounts of sex, violence and sleaze, the film will fill its niche. So can someone please explain to me what Bishop was thinking when he was writing this script? The characters talk and talk, but say nothing of any substance. I'm serious, no one shuts up in this movie. While a lot of dialogue isn't necessarily bad (just look at Quentin Tarantino, who executively produced this mess), it needs to be interesting. And make sense. Neither happens here. In fact, the characters repeat themselves a lot, saying the same thing three different ways. Watching this movie, I thought of that Dax Shepard misfire "Hit and Run," which had virtually all of the same problems.
4. It's not good exploitation fare. Oh sure, it has plenty of sexuality and nudity (including a pair of nude girls wrestling in what appears to be oil), and more than a bit of violence. But it seems restrained. There's no graphic sex, or any actual sex at all. And the violence and gore lacks any sort of punch. The movie is certainly sleazy (that comes with the territory), but it contains none of the visceral pleasures that a person looks for in a movie like this. Apparently Bishop thinks that he's making an "artful" exploitation flick. That alone should be a warning sign.
5. It's just plain boring. James Berardinelli suggested that this might be a part homage/part parody of motorcycle exploitation flicks that were popular in the 1970's. Perhaps he's right. The problem with that is two fold. One, Bishop doesn't understand the appeal of movies that he's trying to ape, and two, the movie is almost never funny. This is a movie to watch if you have insomnia. It's a guaranteed sleep aid.
This movie is nothing but mind-numbing rot. Even at a discount price of six bucks, I'm still mad at myself for wasting money on this piece of crap. I can get back the money, but the time I spent watching this ego trip is something I can never get back.
Larry, I hope you're proud of yourself.
Starring: Larry Bishop, Michael Madsen, Eric Balfour, Vinnie Jones, Leonor Varela, Dennis Hopper, David Carradine
Rated R for Strong Violence, Sexual Content including Graphic Nudity and Dialogue, Language and Drug Use
Five reasons why "Hell Ride" sucks...
1. It is completely incoherent. "Hell Ride" took about two minutes to lose me, and it had so little value at that point that I didn't bother trying to figure out what was going on. Or even who was who. Both the plot and the characters seemed to change on a whim. As far as I could tell, this is a revenge story between two biker gangs regarding a decades old murder, but there's also a treasure hunt and interpersonal squabbling. Alliances seem to shift with the needs of the plot.
2. The acting is awful. Larry Bishop tries to do an exploitation flick version of Jack Sparrow, but the only thing interesting about him is his eyes. Michael Madsen looks like he'd rather be anywhere else. Eric Balfour blends into the background. Vinnie Jones acts like a psycho. Leonor Varela is fine I guess as the oversexed girlfriend. Dennis Hopper and David Carradine seemed to have appear in this stinker as a result of a lost bet. Or maybe Bishop had nasty pictures of them.
3. It's unbelievably pretentious. "Pretentious exploitation flick." If that sounds like an oxymoron to you, well, that's because it is. Exploitation flicks are not complicated. The bar is set extremely low. As long as they have the requisite amounts of sex, violence and sleaze, the film will fill its niche. So can someone please explain to me what Bishop was thinking when he was writing this script? The characters talk and talk, but say nothing of any substance. I'm serious, no one shuts up in this movie. While a lot of dialogue isn't necessarily bad (just look at Quentin Tarantino, who executively produced this mess), it needs to be interesting. And make sense. Neither happens here. In fact, the characters repeat themselves a lot, saying the same thing three different ways. Watching this movie, I thought of that Dax Shepard misfire "Hit and Run," which had virtually all of the same problems.
4. It's not good exploitation fare. Oh sure, it has plenty of sexuality and nudity (including a pair of nude girls wrestling in what appears to be oil), and more than a bit of violence. But it seems restrained. There's no graphic sex, or any actual sex at all. And the violence and gore lacks any sort of punch. The movie is certainly sleazy (that comes with the territory), but it contains none of the visceral pleasures that a person looks for in a movie like this. Apparently Bishop thinks that he's making an "artful" exploitation flick. That alone should be a warning sign.
5. It's just plain boring. James Berardinelli suggested that this might be a part homage/part parody of motorcycle exploitation flicks that were popular in the 1970's. Perhaps he's right. The problem with that is two fold. One, Bishop doesn't understand the appeal of movies that he's trying to ape, and two, the movie is almost never funny. This is a movie to watch if you have insomnia. It's a guaranteed sleep aid.
This movie is nothing but mind-numbing rot. Even at a discount price of six bucks, I'm still mad at myself for wasting money on this piece of crap. I can get back the money, but the time I spent watching this ego trip is something I can never get back.
Larry, I hope you're proud of yourself.
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