Mike's Musings: The Worst Movies of 2019
I actually like making this list. If for no other reason than to get revenge on the posers, hacks and wannabes who stole so much time and money from me. I can make the money back, but the time? No. I sacrificed part of my life to give them a chance, and they repaid me with such crap. So, no, I don't think it's petty to make this list every year.
A special mention has to go to "The Irishman," Martin Scorcese's latest movie. It's not a bad movie by any means and didn't come anywhere near this list. But with so much talent and promise, it was hard not to feel let down after finishing its mammoth 3.5 hour running time.
A common theme with this list that I've noticed is not an over-reliance on soulless franchises (the MCU does not make an appearance on this list) and sequels/reboots. It's that there were a lot of movies that had no idea what they wanted to be or tried too hard. What does that say about the film industry? No idea, except that studios should invest in real scripts and filmmakers, not hacks and wannabe auteurs.
So, without further adieu, the worst films of 2019...
10. The Lego Movie: The Second Part. This movie tried to do the impossible: recapture the spark of the original. It was an impossible task. "The Lego Movie" was a flash-in-the-pan type movie. It was an explosion of energy, creativity, satire and assorted zaniness that really can't be replicated. The awesomeness (for lack of a better term) that the first film generated was caused by the freshness of its approach. Without it, the movie is sunk. Making things worse is that the desperation to recapture past glory is evident in every frame. The filmmakers should have realized that the original spent all the oxygen. This one is just desperate leftovers.
9. Blinded by the Light. There is a fine line between creating a true feel-good movie and one that is awash in sugar shock. They work because there is a good balance between darkness and light, and the lead characters are appealing enough that we take joy in their good fortune. It's hard to do that when the lead character is so irritating. Javed, played in a one-note performance by Vivek Kalra, gives geeks and fans a bad name. His obsession with The Boss is poorly motivated and doesn't make any sense. He hears one song by Bruce and somehow he can do anything he wants. Right. That this was directed by Gurinder Chadha, who made the charming "Bend it Like Beckham," is astonishing. Maybe she lost her touch, since there are times when this film is so badly misconceived that it feels like something made by Ed Wood.
8. Dragged Across Concrete. This movie is so shameless in its attempts to be quirky, deep and artistic that if it wasn't so long and boring, it would be hilarious. It is overflowing with purple lines like, "Ain't no point in arguing about a bunch of yesterdays." What? Did no one actually read this script aloud before it went to the cameras? I mean, obviously they were heard during filming, but did no one stop to think that these lines just don't sound good even when seasoned actors say them? And speaking of, what on Earth were these actors thinking when they agreed to appear in this picture? Did they see something in this that I didn't? Cause all I see is a load of self-indulgent crap.
7. Us. If you're going to make your film a metaphor, be sure to get your point across. That's a lesson that Jordan Peele apparently forgot when he made this stinker. It has a good premise, but what point it has was lost somewhere between his head and the camera. Maybe it's not a movie with a point. Okay, fine. But them what are we left with? Not much. It's not scary or especially funny. And once the premise is explained, it's not that interesting. Yet Peele is desperately trying to say something with his film. He just doesn't do a good job of conveying it.
6. Pet Sematary (2019). The original version of the Stephen King story was not a good movie, so there was definitely hope that a bigger budget and more accomplished actors could lead to a better movie. No such luck. This movie was vile, depressing and worst of all, boring. The characters are even dumber here, and the would-be bleak atmosphere leaves no room for campy enjoyment. Only John Lithgow manages to escape from this crapfest unscathed. It's hard to be unsettled or scared when the people you're supposed to care about are this lacking in common sense. And are this annoying.
5. The Mustang. I really hate movies like "The Mustang." Movies that use sparse dialogue, "internalized" emotions, and lots of shots of the minutiae instead of real characters and plot. You know what I'm talking about. It's not "deep" or "understated." It's lazy. And the fact that they expect people to watch it hoping for something that will make them feel or learn about the world shows nothing but contempt. This movie had a good premise and a good cast, but it had no plot or characters worthy of my interest. It was just ego-stroking on the part of the director. Or maybe she was hoping to get some cred with with Sundance crowd. Who knows? More importantly, who cares?
4. Aladdin (2019). What moron thought that this movie was a good idea? Robin Williams made this role definitive in 1992. No one could replace him. Not even Mr. July himself. Will Smith is a charming actor, but not even he could do it. He was given the impossible task of not just replacing Williams, but aping him. A fool's errand. Adding insult to injury are his cast members, few of whom should ever appear in front of the camera ever again. And why hire at has-been like Guy Ritchie to helm the film? Ritchie isn't a very good filmmaker and this proves it. It's a boring, obnoxious piece of junk and a waste of everyone's time. The sad thing is that it made over a billion dollars at the box office, with a possible sequel and prequel being talked about. Sometimes, it's damn depressing to be a film critic.
3. Cats. I suffered through this with a friend of mine. I used the term "suffered" with purpose, since sitting through this hairball was nothing short of agony. It has no plot, no songs worth listening to, no characters worth caring about, and some truly creepy animation. I haven't seen the stage show, but she saw it on DVD and assured me it was better there. It's hard to imagine it being worse than this disaster. Only the passionate pipes of Jennifer Hudson are worth mentioning in a positive way. But if that's what you're after, see "Dreamgirls" again. That was at least a movie. This is something that belongs in a litter box.
2. The Lighthouse. I applaud filmmakers who take chances and am more generous with my ratings when they do. Not here. "The Lighthouse" is nothing. It's a void. This movie is devoid of any reason we go to the movies. There is no suspense, no heart, no tension, no thought. Instead, we have Willem Dafoe and, occasionally, Robert Pattinson chattering on and on and on and on for what seems like an eternity. At least Andre Gregory and Wallace Shawn actually said things of substance in "My Dinner with Andre." Here it's just nonsense. These two people are talking simply to fill out the running time. Maybe Robert Eggers had something more substantial in mind. If he did, it doesn't come across.
1. Night is Short, Walk On Girl. This movie is so bad that I hesitate to even call it a film. It violates every basic rule of film that I hold dear. It makes no sense, the characters are annoying, it's overlong...honestly, I could go on for hours about how much this movie sucks. Yes, it makes "Norm of the North" look good. Or at least adequate. Anime has a reputation for being surreal and fantastical. That's fine as long as there is something to support it. In this drek, there isn't. The adventures that this batty girl goes on are so desperately quirky and so utterly banal that it defies description. Yet, the plot seems to change with every line. Nothing makes any sense. It's like Wes Anderson made an anime movie while high on LSD. And that's really all that needs to be said.
A special mention has to go to "The Irishman," Martin Scorcese's latest movie. It's not a bad movie by any means and didn't come anywhere near this list. But with so much talent and promise, it was hard not to feel let down after finishing its mammoth 3.5 hour running time.
A common theme with this list that I've noticed is not an over-reliance on soulless franchises (the MCU does not make an appearance on this list) and sequels/reboots. It's that there were a lot of movies that had no idea what they wanted to be or tried too hard. What does that say about the film industry? No idea, except that studios should invest in real scripts and filmmakers, not hacks and wannabe auteurs.
So, without further adieu, the worst films of 2019...
10. The Lego Movie: The Second Part. This movie tried to do the impossible: recapture the spark of the original. It was an impossible task. "The Lego Movie" was a flash-in-the-pan type movie. It was an explosion of energy, creativity, satire and assorted zaniness that really can't be replicated. The awesomeness (for lack of a better term) that the first film generated was caused by the freshness of its approach. Without it, the movie is sunk. Making things worse is that the desperation to recapture past glory is evident in every frame. The filmmakers should have realized that the original spent all the oxygen. This one is just desperate leftovers.
9. Blinded by the Light. There is a fine line between creating a true feel-good movie and one that is awash in sugar shock. They work because there is a good balance between darkness and light, and the lead characters are appealing enough that we take joy in their good fortune. It's hard to do that when the lead character is so irritating. Javed, played in a one-note performance by Vivek Kalra, gives geeks and fans a bad name. His obsession with The Boss is poorly motivated and doesn't make any sense. He hears one song by Bruce and somehow he can do anything he wants. Right. That this was directed by Gurinder Chadha, who made the charming "Bend it Like Beckham," is astonishing. Maybe she lost her touch, since there are times when this film is so badly misconceived that it feels like something made by Ed Wood.
8. Dragged Across Concrete. This movie is so shameless in its attempts to be quirky, deep and artistic that if it wasn't so long and boring, it would be hilarious. It is overflowing with purple lines like, "Ain't no point in arguing about a bunch of yesterdays." What? Did no one actually read this script aloud before it went to the cameras? I mean, obviously they were heard during filming, but did no one stop to think that these lines just don't sound good even when seasoned actors say them? And speaking of, what on Earth were these actors thinking when they agreed to appear in this picture? Did they see something in this that I didn't? Cause all I see is a load of self-indulgent crap.
7. Us. If you're going to make your film a metaphor, be sure to get your point across. That's a lesson that Jordan Peele apparently forgot when he made this stinker. It has a good premise, but what point it has was lost somewhere between his head and the camera. Maybe it's not a movie with a point. Okay, fine. But them what are we left with? Not much. It's not scary or especially funny. And once the premise is explained, it's not that interesting. Yet Peele is desperately trying to say something with his film. He just doesn't do a good job of conveying it.
6. Pet Sematary (2019). The original version of the Stephen King story was not a good movie, so there was definitely hope that a bigger budget and more accomplished actors could lead to a better movie. No such luck. This movie was vile, depressing and worst of all, boring. The characters are even dumber here, and the would-be bleak atmosphere leaves no room for campy enjoyment. Only John Lithgow manages to escape from this crapfest unscathed. It's hard to be unsettled or scared when the people you're supposed to care about are this lacking in common sense. And are this annoying.
5. The Mustang. I really hate movies like "The Mustang." Movies that use sparse dialogue, "internalized" emotions, and lots of shots of the minutiae instead of real characters and plot. You know what I'm talking about. It's not "deep" or "understated." It's lazy. And the fact that they expect people to watch it hoping for something that will make them feel or learn about the world shows nothing but contempt. This movie had a good premise and a good cast, but it had no plot or characters worthy of my interest. It was just ego-stroking on the part of the director. Or maybe she was hoping to get some cred with with Sundance crowd. Who knows? More importantly, who cares?
4. Aladdin (2019). What moron thought that this movie was a good idea? Robin Williams made this role definitive in 1992. No one could replace him. Not even Mr. July himself. Will Smith is a charming actor, but not even he could do it. He was given the impossible task of not just replacing Williams, but aping him. A fool's errand. Adding insult to injury are his cast members, few of whom should ever appear in front of the camera ever again. And why hire at has-been like Guy Ritchie to helm the film? Ritchie isn't a very good filmmaker and this proves it. It's a boring, obnoxious piece of junk and a waste of everyone's time. The sad thing is that it made over a billion dollars at the box office, with a possible sequel and prequel being talked about. Sometimes, it's damn depressing to be a film critic.
3. Cats. I suffered through this with a friend of mine. I used the term "suffered" with purpose, since sitting through this hairball was nothing short of agony. It has no plot, no songs worth listening to, no characters worth caring about, and some truly creepy animation. I haven't seen the stage show, but she saw it on DVD and assured me it was better there. It's hard to imagine it being worse than this disaster. Only the passionate pipes of Jennifer Hudson are worth mentioning in a positive way. But if that's what you're after, see "Dreamgirls" again. That was at least a movie. This is something that belongs in a litter box.
2. The Lighthouse. I applaud filmmakers who take chances and am more generous with my ratings when they do. Not here. "The Lighthouse" is nothing. It's a void. This movie is devoid of any reason we go to the movies. There is no suspense, no heart, no tension, no thought. Instead, we have Willem Dafoe and, occasionally, Robert Pattinson chattering on and on and on and on for what seems like an eternity. At least Andre Gregory and Wallace Shawn actually said things of substance in "My Dinner with Andre." Here it's just nonsense. These two people are talking simply to fill out the running time. Maybe Robert Eggers had something more substantial in mind. If he did, it doesn't come across.
1. Night is Short, Walk On Girl. This movie is so bad that I hesitate to even call it a film. It violates every basic rule of film that I hold dear. It makes no sense, the characters are annoying, it's overlong...honestly, I could go on for hours about how much this movie sucks. Yes, it makes "Norm of the North" look good. Or at least adequate. Anime has a reputation for being surreal and fantastical. That's fine as long as there is something to support it. In this drek, there isn't. The adventures that this batty girl goes on are so desperately quirky and so utterly banal that it defies description. Yet, the plot seems to change with every line. Nothing makes any sense. It's like Wes Anderson made an anime movie while high on LSD. And that's really all that needs to be said.
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