Valentine
2/4
Starring: Denise Richards, Marley Shelton, David Boreanaz, Jessica Capshaw, Jessica Cauffiel, Daniel Cosgrove, Katherine Heigl, Johnny Whitworth, Adam Harrington, Claude Duhamel
Rated R for Strong Horror Violence, Some Sexuality and Language
For whatever reason, horror movies have a tendency to revolve around holidays. "Halloween" has dozens, most famously John Carpenter's classic. Christmas has the notorious "Silent Night, Deadly Night." April Fool's Day has one (and it's not a comedy apparently), too. New Year's Day ("Terror Train" starring Jamie Lee Curtis), Mother's Day ("Mother's Day"). Even the Fourth of July has one ("Uncle Sam"). So I suppose it's only fair that Valentine's Day has one. Well, another one, at least, since it already has the infamous "My Bloody Valentine" and it's 3D remake.
The reason for this, I think, is because it allows for more creative and ironic ways of dispatching the characters into the afterlife. One character in this movie gets shot by a few arrows by the villain who wears a Cupid mask. Plus there's the marketing angle, too, since everyone loves to dress up as their favorite slasher on Halloween.
That being said, "Valentine" isn't a particularly good horror movie, but it's far from the worst I've ever seen. Compared to "Cube" and "The Nun," this is decent entertainment. The acting is at the very least reasonably effective, and there's plenty of eye candy (but no T&A...what a shame). And director Jamie Blanks does a decent job of camouflaging who the killer is even though his attempts to highlight the numerous suspects are obvious.
Thirteen (haha) years ago, five girls turned down Jeremy Melton's invitation to dance. Three of them were cruel and another betrayed him to violence. Only one of them let him down gently. Now grown up, these girls are still best friends (in what world does that happen?). Paige (Richards) is a sex kitten. Kate (Shelton) is a nice girl with an alcoholic boyfriend named Adam (Boreanaz). Dorothy (Capshaw) has lost a lot of weight, but is still a "big" girl compared to her friends (this, by the way, is the scariest element of the movie. Dorothy looks healthy and fit...calling her fat is a recipe for anorexia). Lily (Cauffiel) is the funny one, and Shelly (Heigl) is the brainy one. But one by one, they're getting creepy Valentine's Day cards and are being murdered by a guy wearing a Cupid mask. Who is the killer? Could it be friendly Adam? Could it be Jason Marquette (Harrington), who is a certified creep with the same initials? Could it be Dorothy's new lover, Campbell (Cosgrove) who has suddenly moved in with her? Or is it Gary (Duhamel), the weird neighbor next door who is constantly rhyming?
Of the actors, no one bears a mention. Denise Richards can't act, but she is hot and knows how to be sexy. Marley Shelton is good at playing nice. David Boreanaz is okay as the big boyfriend struggling to stay sober. Jessica Capshaw, step-daughter of Steven Spielberg, is actually kind of sympathetic as a woman desperate for love. The other actors do their jobs okay. Even Katherine Heigl, although that may be because she's only onscreen for all of ten minutes.
Director Jamie Blanks doesn't have a particularly sterling resume. His only other major credit was "Urban Legend," a slasher movie with a unique premise and the accompanying unique kills. Blanks' work here is lacking. The set design is good (lots of red), but it all takes place in the daytime. That would have been interesting had it worked, but Blanks doesn't have a clue when it comes to atmosphere. He also shows too much restraint on the gore and nudity. There's almost none of the red stuff, and few of the kills are unique.
Ultimately, the best thing I can say about "Valentine" is that it's watchable.
Starring: Denise Richards, Marley Shelton, David Boreanaz, Jessica Capshaw, Jessica Cauffiel, Daniel Cosgrove, Katherine Heigl, Johnny Whitworth, Adam Harrington, Claude Duhamel
Rated R for Strong Horror Violence, Some Sexuality and Language
For whatever reason, horror movies have a tendency to revolve around holidays. "Halloween" has dozens, most famously John Carpenter's classic. Christmas has the notorious "Silent Night, Deadly Night." April Fool's Day has one (and it's not a comedy apparently), too. New Year's Day ("Terror Train" starring Jamie Lee Curtis), Mother's Day ("Mother's Day"). Even the Fourth of July has one ("Uncle Sam"). So I suppose it's only fair that Valentine's Day has one. Well, another one, at least, since it already has the infamous "My Bloody Valentine" and it's 3D remake.
The reason for this, I think, is because it allows for more creative and ironic ways of dispatching the characters into the afterlife. One character in this movie gets shot by a few arrows by the villain who wears a Cupid mask. Plus there's the marketing angle, too, since everyone loves to dress up as their favorite slasher on Halloween.
That being said, "Valentine" isn't a particularly good horror movie, but it's far from the worst I've ever seen. Compared to "Cube" and "The Nun," this is decent entertainment. The acting is at the very least reasonably effective, and there's plenty of eye candy (but no T&A...what a shame). And director Jamie Blanks does a decent job of camouflaging who the killer is even though his attempts to highlight the numerous suspects are obvious.
Thirteen (haha) years ago, five girls turned down Jeremy Melton's invitation to dance. Three of them were cruel and another betrayed him to violence. Only one of them let him down gently. Now grown up, these girls are still best friends (in what world does that happen?). Paige (Richards) is a sex kitten. Kate (Shelton) is a nice girl with an alcoholic boyfriend named Adam (Boreanaz). Dorothy (Capshaw) has lost a lot of weight, but is still a "big" girl compared to her friends (this, by the way, is the scariest element of the movie. Dorothy looks healthy and fit...calling her fat is a recipe for anorexia). Lily (Cauffiel) is the funny one, and Shelly (Heigl) is the brainy one. But one by one, they're getting creepy Valentine's Day cards and are being murdered by a guy wearing a Cupid mask. Who is the killer? Could it be friendly Adam? Could it be Jason Marquette (Harrington), who is a certified creep with the same initials? Could it be Dorothy's new lover, Campbell (Cosgrove) who has suddenly moved in with her? Or is it Gary (Duhamel), the weird neighbor next door who is constantly rhyming?
Of the actors, no one bears a mention. Denise Richards can't act, but she is hot and knows how to be sexy. Marley Shelton is good at playing nice. David Boreanaz is okay as the big boyfriend struggling to stay sober. Jessica Capshaw, step-daughter of Steven Spielberg, is actually kind of sympathetic as a woman desperate for love. The other actors do their jobs okay. Even Katherine Heigl, although that may be because she's only onscreen for all of ten minutes.
Director Jamie Blanks doesn't have a particularly sterling resume. His only other major credit was "Urban Legend," a slasher movie with a unique premise and the accompanying unique kills. Blanks' work here is lacking. The set design is good (lots of red), but it all takes place in the daytime. That would have been interesting had it worked, but Blanks doesn't have a clue when it comes to atmosphere. He also shows too much restraint on the gore and nudity. There's almost none of the red stuff, and few of the kills are unique.
Ultimately, the best thing I can say about "Valentine" is that it's watchable.
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