Mike's Musings: The Bottom 10 of 2018
2018 was a terrible year for movies. It wasn't just bad, it was godawful. Yeah, there were some big winners, like "Black Panther" and "The Avengers: Infinity War," both of which made bank (and put life back into the bloated superhero genre). But that's it. Just about everything else disappointed ("Solo: A Star Wars Story," for example), or misfired. Just about any way you look at it, it was ugly. Even I could barely be bothered to see some of the stuff that came out. Many times it took a huge effort to go to the theaters because the pickings were so slim.
Something has to change. With more consumer choices and on-demand becoming a major powerhouse, Hollywood needs to rethink the way it does movies. The old ways are not working anymore. Nepotism and connections need to give way to a merit-based system of getting roles and jobs. The "event movie" template simply isn't working anymore. Consolidating into just a few massively budgeted movies to chase that billion dollar mark simply doesn't yield enough overall. Hollywood needs to trim the fat and invest in smaller, riskier movies that make big impressions. A $15 million movie may not make much money on a global scale, but a $100 million take at the box office is a pretty big return nonetheless. Plus, if it bombs, its not a terrible loss.
That will never happen. At least, not for a while. Stories are becoming homogenized (more so now that Disney has purchased Fox), and there's a reliance on brand names, sequels and franchises to make fanboys, executives and stockholders equally happy. For now. But the bottom line is that this way of thinking isn't sustainable in the long term.
Anyway, that's my rant that no one will listen to. At least no one who should. But the reason I'm writing this is to let loose one last barrage at the ten worst movies of 2018.
10. Hangman. I'm stretching the rules with this one a bit. I lowered the rating to squeeze it on here, and I'm not sure if it was technically a 2018 release. iMDb says it's 2017, but it wasn't released in theaters and I didn't get a chance to see it until this year. There, my conscience is mostly clear. The point is that this movie was more vapid than bad, and while it's watchable, it's really not worth your time.
9. Forever, My Girl. While this movie is indeed a very bad movie, it's also a laugh riot. The melodrama is so bad that it was frequently hard to suppress giggles, and the attempts to generate tears were so shameless that one wonders if Bethany Ashton Wolf was going for parody. But the movie is too inept for any satire to be intentional, and the acting is too stiff for anything that sophisticated. Few of the laughs in this movie were intentional, of that I'm certain. But unlike "Samson," which came out later in the year and is the best "so bad it's good" movie in years, "Forever, My Girl" is like the Nicholas Sparks movie from hell. Sure, it's easy to laugh at it, but all in all it's a real trial.
8. Rampage. Based on a video game. Need I say more? Those five words are really all that needs to be said. Ever since the 90's, Hollywood has been trying to bring video games to the big screen, only without the controls. And as games become more cinematic, it should become easier. Add a couple of big stars and a ka-ching, right? Nope. They keep falling back on the action scenes and neglect what really makes them so special to a lot of their fans: the characters and the stories (hey, just like in the movies! Oh, wait...). Movies like "Rampage" use action scenes as a crutch to have something else to fall back on if the essentials (acting, writing, directing) aren't up to par. But here, even the action isn't that exciting. Most of the time. When you use bad action as a safety net, not even the charms of Dwayne Johnson (who has never looked so bored), Naomie Harris (who deserves some sort of medal for appearing in this dud) and Malin Ackerman (who at least appears to be enjoying herself) can save it.
7. The Predator. This movie was bad. Like, really bad. It had Keegan-Michael Key in it. I could just end the blurb right there, and everything would make sense. But no. This movie just sucked. The story didn't make any sense, the action was boring, and for a movie co-written and directed by Shane Black, it features none of his penchant for quirky dialogue and inspiration from film noir. At least he had the good sense to keep it R-rated. Not that it saves the film.
6. Ferdinand. Another holdover from 2017. "Ferdinand" is what happens when studio conferences, focus groups and merchandising take precedence over everything else. Including common sense. Seriously, I would have rather have paid to sit in on the discussions made regarding just about everything with this movie's construction. My guess is that they lasted less time than watching this stinker. What moron though an incest joke was appropriate in a kid's movie? Or that stupid dance off (or any scene with the horses, for that matter). Or, for that matter, that the classic Disney short "Ferdinand the Bull" could actually be stretched out to a feature length film? Any parent or child who saw this movie has my sympathies.
5. The Happytime Murders. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: STOP IMPROVISING! Seriously! Yeah, a one-liner off the top of an actor's head can be funny, or under the right circumstances, a whole scene. But not an entire movie. A film needs a consistent vision to work. Everyone has to be on the same page. It needs structure, tone and focus. None of those three things can really happen in a movie that is written and acted by the seat of the actor's pants. I don't know for a fact that "The Happytime Murders" was entirely improvised, but I'll be willing to bet money that it was.
4. Hereditary. This is a movie that attempts to scare you with things that are not scary. Like, is it scary if an attempted séance actually works? I can't say the dumbest thing that happens in this movie without giving anything away (for anyone who actually has a desire to see this movie), but trust me when I tell you that it defies any sense of logic or common sense. Even by horror movie standards. And I have a request for every would-be indie auteur out there: if you could stop having your actors stare blankly into the camera and get rid of the heavy "dramatic" pauses after every single line, that'd be great. Yeah, Wes Anderson has made a killing as the quirky indie film king, but as you'll soon find out, that's not saying much.
3. Isle of Dogs. Everyone who knows me and my tastes in movies knew that this was coming sooner or later. Wes Anderson is an extremely divisive filmmaker. People either think he deserves to be listed alongside high class filmmakers that you're not trendy enough to have heard of, or they can't stand him. I fall into the latter category. I find his movies pretentious and unbearably quirky. "Juno's" detractors had a point when they criticized it for trying too hard to be offbeat, but it had nothing on Wes Anderson. Quirky and unique characters are fine. Jack Sparrow is an excellent example. But he had motivations, humanity, behavior we could actually understand and relate to. But a dog whose hobby is to spread bizarre rumors about everyone, or the "dog flu?" Come on, Wes. Really?
2. Teen Titans GO! To the Movies. I expected this movie to be bad. Not in my worst nightmares did I imagine anything this wretched. A painful meta-satire on the whole superhero genre, "Teen Titans GO! To the Movies" takes everything that is horrid about the crap on Cartoon Network and stretches it out to an unbearable degree. I wasn't the biggest fan of the first "Deadpool" movie, which I thought had more attitude than substance, but at least it didn't wallow in its own pretentions of being hip than this movie. In addition to being an orgy of fan service and commercialization, it thought itself "above" a simple homage by adopting a self-mocking tone. The problem was that it was still stupid and the jokes weren't funny. Making matters worse is that it pretended to be "too cool for school" while preaching values of entitlement and selfishness. So in addition to being obnoxious, it was dishonest too.
1. Hold the Dark. This movie put me at a loss for words. What were they thinking with this movie? Come to think of it, I'm not sure "movie" is the correct word, since it had very little in common of what we watch on the TV for entertainment. Plot? None. Acting? Awful. A consistent vision? Nope. This is a movie that has no idea what it wants to be, do or say. Jeremy Sauliner changes his mind of what he wants his film to be after every line. It's a murder mystery, a slasher movie, a social issue drama, a supernatural thriller, a police procedural and a meditation on god-knows-what. All at the same time. There are probably more genres he wanted to cover, but if that's the case, they don't come across. This is a pretentious, gratuitously violent piece of filth. The best thing I could say about this movie is that it was on Netflix, so I was able to pause it when my tolerance for it ran out. Otherwise I might have just walked out. Here's a hint: if you can get the talents of Jeffrey Wright, Alexander Skarsgaard and James Badge Dale and still end up with a movie this bad, my advice is to seek another profession.
My Top 10 list is coming soon, depending when I can see two of 2018's indie hits, "Leave No Trace" and "Eighth Grade." I own both, so it's just a matter of finding time.
Something has to change. With more consumer choices and on-demand becoming a major powerhouse, Hollywood needs to rethink the way it does movies. The old ways are not working anymore. Nepotism and connections need to give way to a merit-based system of getting roles and jobs. The "event movie" template simply isn't working anymore. Consolidating into just a few massively budgeted movies to chase that billion dollar mark simply doesn't yield enough overall. Hollywood needs to trim the fat and invest in smaller, riskier movies that make big impressions. A $15 million movie may not make much money on a global scale, but a $100 million take at the box office is a pretty big return nonetheless. Plus, if it bombs, its not a terrible loss.
That will never happen. At least, not for a while. Stories are becoming homogenized (more so now that Disney has purchased Fox), and there's a reliance on brand names, sequels and franchises to make fanboys, executives and stockholders equally happy. For now. But the bottom line is that this way of thinking isn't sustainable in the long term.
Anyway, that's my rant that no one will listen to. At least no one who should. But the reason I'm writing this is to let loose one last barrage at the ten worst movies of 2018.
10. Hangman. I'm stretching the rules with this one a bit. I lowered the rating to squeeze it on here, and I'm not sure if it was technically a 2018 release. iMDb says it's 2017, but it wasn't released in theaters and I didn't get a chance to see it until this year. There, my conscience is mostly clear. The point is that this movie was more vapid than bad, and while it's watchable, it's really not worth your time.
9. Forever, My Girl. While this movie is indeed a very bad movie, it's also a laugh riot. The melodrama is so bad that it was frequently hard to suppress giggles, and the attempts to generate tears were so shameless that one wonders if Bethany Ashton Wolf was going for parody. But the movie is too inept for any satire to be intentional, and the acting is too stiff for anything that sophisticated. Few of the laughs in this movie were intentional, of that I'm certain. But unlike "Samson," which came out later in the year and is the best "so bad it's good" movie in years, "Forever, My Girl" is like the Nicholas Sparks movie from hell. Sure, it's easy to laugh at it, but all in all it's a real trial.
8. Rampage. Based on a video game. Need I say more? Those five words are really all that needs to be said. Ever since the 90's, Hollywood has been trying to bring video games to the big screen, only without the controls. And as games become more cinematic, it should become easier. Add a couple of big stars and a ka-ching, right? Nope. They keep falling back on the action scenes and neglect what really makes them so special to a lot of their fans: the characters and the stories (hey, just like in the movies! Oh, wait...). Movies like "Rampage" use action scenes as a crutch to have something else to fall back on if the essentials (acting, writing, directing) aren't up to par. But here, even the action isn't that exciting. Most of the time. When you use bad action as a safety net, not even the charms of Dwayne Johnson (who has never looked so bored), Naomie Harris (who deserves some sort of medal for appearing in this dud) and Malin Ackerman (who at least appears to be enjoying herself) can save it.
7. The Predator. This movie was bad. Like, really bad. It had Keegan-Michael Key in it. I could just end the blurb right there, and everything would make sense. But no. This movie just sucked. The story didn't make any sense, the action was boring, and for a movie co-written and directed by Shane Black, it features none of his penchant for quirky dialogue and inspiration from film noir. At least he had the good sense to keep it R-rated. Not that it saves the film.
6. Ferdinand. Another holdover from 2017. "Ferdinand" is what happens when studio conferences, focus groups and merchandising take precedence over everything else. Including common sense. Seriously, I would have rather have paid to sit in on the discussions made regarding just about everything with this movie's construction. My guess is that they lasted less time than watching this stinker. What moron though an incest joke was appropriate in a kid's movie? Or that stupid dance off (or any scene with the horses, for that matter). Or, for that matter, that the classic Disney short "Ferdinand the Bull" could actually be stretched out to a feature length film? Any parent or child who saw this movie has my sympathies.
5. The Happytime Murders. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: STOP IMPROVISING! Seriously! Yeah, a one-liner off the top of an actor's head can be funny, or under the right circumstances, a whole scene. But not an entire movie. A film needs a consistent vision to work. Everyone has to be on the same page. It needs structure, tone and focus. None of those three things can really happen in a movie that is written and acted by the seat of the actor's pants. I don't know for a fact that "The Happytime Murders" was entirely improvised, but I'll be willing to bet money that it was.
4. Hereditary. This is a movie that attempts to scare you with things that are not scary. Like, is it scary if an attempted séance actually works? I can't say the dumbest thing that happens in this movie without giving anything away (for anyone who actually has a desire to see this movie), but trust me when I tell you that it defies any sense of logic or common sense. Even by horror movie standards. And I have a request for every would-be indie auteur out there: if you could stop having your actors stare blankly into the camera and get rid of the heavy "dramatic" pauses after every single line, that'd be great. Yeah, Wes Anderson has made a killing as the quirky indie film king, but as you'll soon find out, that's not saying much.
3. Isle of Dogs. Everyone who knows me and my tastes in movies knew that this was coming sooner or later. Wes Anderson is an extremely divisive filmmaker. People either think he deserves to be listed alongside high class filmmakers that you're not trendy enough to have heard of, or they can't stand him. I fall into the latter category. I find his movies pretentious and unbearably quirky. "Juno's" detractors had a point when they criticized it for trying too hard to be offbeat, but it had nothing on Wes Anderson. Quirky and unique characters are fine. Jack Sparrow is an excellent example. But he had motivations, humanity, behavior we could actually understand and relate to. But a dog whose hobby is to spread bizarre rumors about everyone, or the "dog flu?" Come on, Wes. Really?
2. Teen Titans GO! To the Movies. I expected this movie to be bad. Not in my worst nightmares did I imagine anything this wretched. A painful meta-satire on the whole superhero genre, "Teen Titans GO! To the Movies" takes everything that is horrid about the crap on Cartoon Network and stretches it out to an unbearable degree. I wasn't the biggest fan of the first "Deadpool" movie, which I thought had more attitude than substance, but at least it didn't wallow in its own pretentions of being hip than this movie. In addition to being an orgy of fan service and commercialization, it thought itself "above" a simple homage by adopting a self-mocking tone. The problem was that it was still stupid and the jokes weren't funny. Making matters worse is that it pretended to be "too cool for school" while preaching values of entitlement and selfishness. So in addition to being obnoxious, it was dishonest too.
1. Hold the Dark. This movie put me at a loss for words. What were they thinking with this movie? Come to think of it, I'm not sure "movie" is the correct word, since it had very little in common of what we watch on the TV for entertainment. Plot? None. Acting? Awful. A consistent vision? Nope. This is a movie that has no idea what it wants to be, do or say. Jeremy Sauliner changes his mind of what he wants his film to be after every line. It's a murder mystery, a slasher movie, a social issue drama, a supernatural thriller, a police procedural and a meditation on god-knows-what. All at the same time. There are probably more genres he wanted to cover, but if that's the case, they don't come across. This is a pretentious, gratuitously violent piece of filth. The best thing I could say about this movie is that it was on Netflix, so I was able to pause it when my tolerance for it ran out. Otherwise I might have just walked out. Here's a hint: if you can get the talents of Jeffrey Wright, Alexander Skarsgaard and James Badge Dale and still end up with a movie this bad, my advice is to seek another profession.
My Top 10 list is coming soon, depending when I can see two of 2018's indie hits, "Leave No Trace" and "Eighth Grade." I own both, so it's just a matter of finding time.
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