Shotgun Wedding

 1/4

Starring: Josh Duhamel, Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Coolidge, Cheech Marin, Sonia Braga, Lenny Kravitz, D'Arcy Carden

Rated R for Language and Some Violence/Bloody Images

Romantic comedies and action movies are relatively simple affairs.  If the former contains enough chemistry and the latter contains enough excitement, it doesn't matter how dumb and/or generic they are.  "Shotgun Wedding" tries to cross-pollinate both genres.  If it could be done well, the result could be irresistible (although despite what the publicity team has suggested, it isn't the first film to do so..."True Lies" beat it to the punch way back in 1994).  Yet it's impossible to imagine anyone finding "Shotgun Wedding" even close to acceptable.  It's about as romantic as "The Shining," about as funny as "The War Zone" and about as exciting as "August: Osage County."

Darcy (Lopez) and Tom (Duhamel) are getting married in the Philippines.  It is not going well.  Tom's perfectionism is driving Darcy up the wall, she's lamenting the fact that she wanted to elope rather than have a big wedding, and that's just the start.  Her father Robert (Marin) arrives with his flighty, half his age squeeze (Carden) much to the consternation of his ex-wife Renata (Braga).  Tom's attempts to surprise his bride end up with him taking an unexpected dip in the water at the rehearsal dinner.  And so on.  No wonder the high-strung Darcy gets cold feet the morning of the nuptials.  Things change when pirates arrive and take the guests hostage.

There isn't one element of this film that really works.  The first problem is the protagonists.  We don't know enough about them to become invested in whether or not the actually walk down the aisle.  Or make it to the end credits in one piece, for that matter.  Tom and Darcy are boring.  This may be an attempt on Lopez's part to reignite a flagging career, but it won't work.  Lopez is a has-been and the fact that she gives the worst performance of her career does not help things.  Josh Duhamel is more successful.  This role doesn't stretch his limited range, but he has screen presence and charm.  And even now, the camera still loves him.

The z-list screenplay could also be a factor.  Originality isn't necessarily a requirement for the genre, but fresh dialogue is.  Unfortunately the screenplay is written at the level of an afternoon sitcom.  There are a few one-liners worthy of a chuckle or two (most of which are delivered by Tom) and the sight of a gun-toting Jennifer Coolidge is as amusing as it sounds.  But that's all the film has going for it.  Whatever happened to movies like "Prime" or "There's Something About Mary" that had genuine laughs and lines to be savored?

It must have seemed like a good idea to hire Jason Moore to direct this film.  After all, he was behind the riotous Tina Fey/Amy Poehler vehicle "Sisters" and the still funny "Pitch Perfect."  Yet his work here is a that of a director for hire.  There is not style, energy or even comic timing to be found here.  It's as lifeless a movies get?  I mean, what does it say when the most energetic part of a movie is when the cast does a karaoke rendition of "Walk Like an Egyptian" over the end credits?

Amazon Prime has an almost limitless supply of excellent titles to stream.  There is no reason to subject yourself to this stinker.  None.  Watch something else.  For the love of all that is holy.

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