Mike's Musings: The Worst of 2022

Every year has its shitty movies.  That has been the case since the birth of moving pictures in the 1920s, and it will likely be the case in the 2120s.  Despite what Hollywood would like to believe, not every movie works for every person.  There is a reason why Rotten Tomatoes is the bane of every filmmaker's existence.  That's the way it goes.  As much as I hated "Bros," I know of a few people who liked it.

Still, that's really irrelevant.  This is my list.  These reviews are my thoughts and feelings about the movies that I sat through.  It's not the job of a critic to review someone else's opinion of a film.  Only their own.  Guessing who might like a movie is fair game, but ultimately their review is their opinion and no one else's.

I actually like making this list.  My dad is dubious about its importance ("Always be positive," he reminds me), but every other film critic does it.  Why shouldn't I?  More importantly, it allows me to get revenge on films that stole not only money from me, but time.  Time that I will never get back.  And with some movies on this list, I take their lack of quality personally.

10. Smile.  To be fair, "Smile" has some chilling moments.  I counted "four great scenes and a whole lot of crappy ones."  The technical aspects of this film are impressive.  But the story is not only derivative but badly written.  Horror films are rarely defined by their narratives, relying more on shocks and scares than plot.  Nor are they known for top flight performances.  "Smile" is no exception as star Sosie Bacon can't act.  She's flat, uncharismatic and, worst of all, boring.  Who cares whether Rose lives or dies?  I didn't.  As if it weren't bad enough, Rose has another thing going wrong for her: she's stupid.  Even by horror movie standards.

9.  Morbius.  Okay fine.  "Morbius" wasn't that bad.  It doesn't work and justly deserves a spot on this list. But remember how bad the word of mouth was?  It was vicious.  Part of that, I believe, is due to its lack of quality (tying it to the MCU was a bad idea).  And also because it tried something new and didn't work.  It's the old producer's saying: "Give me the same thing, only different!"  Only this time it comes from toxic fans, who are all too willing to use social media to disparage any movie that doesn't precisely give them what they want.  Or better.

8. X.  The problem with this movie is easy to identify.  It doesn't know what it wants to be.  An homage to 70s grind house movies?  A parody?  A straight horror film?  Ti West is a talented filmmaker ("The Innkeepers" is one of the most frightening horror films I've seen), but his inability to decide what this film is sinks the project.  The amount of boredom this movie generated within me is why'd I didn't bother with the prequel/spin-off "Pearl."

7.  Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio.  No one is more surprised than me to find a film by Guillermo del Toro, perhaps the best filmmaker to come out of Mexico, on this list.  It's rather astonishing, considering his talents.  How did this movie go so wrong?  Maybe it's that it doesn't have a clear focus.  Or that the young hero is annoying rather than charming.  Or that mixing fairy tales and fascism was done before in "Pan's Labyrinth," and also much much better.  Whatever the reason, this dud is a shocking as it is disappointing.

6.  Firestarter.  I suppose it would be too much to ask that this premise would create a masterpiece.  Mutant powers are a bit too goofy to take seriously enough for true horror.  But a 90 minute thrill ride isn't out of the question.  Sadly, the limited talents of director Keith Thomas can't even give us that much.  A clueless director isn't the film's only problem, though.  He's saddled with the limited range of Zac Efron, a grossly miscast Gloria Reuben and a supporting cast that's less interesting than a brick wall.  Only John Beasley escapes without embarrassing himself.  It's a snooze fest.

5.  Hocus Pocus 2.  Some movies age like fine wine.  "Casablanca" is an excellent example.  Others...not so much. "Hocus Pocus" was not a very good movie, but it struck a nerve with millennials (to be honest, even as a kid, I didn't think it was that great).  But it's kind of a shock that anyone remembers it; its reputation is built solely on nostalgia and has far outstripped the limited qualities it has.  Given the nostalgia frenzy that goes on in Hollywood these days, I suppose I don't even need to ask why this film was put into production.  That doesn't let anyone behind this stinker off the hook, though.  Not by a long shot.  This movie is so bad that I have to wonder if anyone was even trying.  Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker and Kathy Najimy are having a ball trying to go further over the top than each other.  Unfortunately, the only ones having any fun are them.

4.  Thor: Love and Thunder.  I've come to the realization that there is no difference between an MCU fanboy and a member of QAnon.  There really isn't.  Both see hidden connections and dubious "clues" everywhere.  Both are obsessed with conspiracies and hidden meanings tied to the most banal things.  Both are completely opposed to any sort of change.  And both are convinced that they're run the world (or at least Hollywood, in the case of fandom).  No other conclusion explains how something as banal and brainless as this didn't sink like a dead rock at the box office.  Most movies in the MCU are pretty bad, but this is easily the worst.  This isn't a movie at all.  It's bad improv at the Learning Annex with big actors preening, not slumming, for big paychecks.  Whatever in-jokes or references die hards have found (or believe the have found) cannot make up for the headache inducing tedium in this sack of dog shit.

3.  The Bob's Burgers Movie.  Note to self: always preview the show before going to see the film version.  Had I remembered to do so, I would have changed the channel as opposed to wasting an afternoon watching this dreck.  This isn't deadpan, cringe, or self-aware.  This is utter crap.  Making a dumb joke is bad enough.  Pointing out the fact that the joke is dumb is even worse.  But expecting the audience to laugh at humor that you both know is dumb and smirk at its knowing stupidity is beyond words.

2.  You Won't Be Alone.  God, I hate movies like this.  Lots of "mood" and "intensity" with nothing behind them.  We're supposed to be scared or interested or whatever the director believes will make him more of a critical darling.  Existentialism is fine for movies.  I've liked some that have gone down this road.  But there has to be a solid foundation to support it.  Here, there is nothing.  I mean, nothing.  There's no one to identify with.  There is no story to pull us through.  Director Goran Stolevski throws random images at the screen and leaves us to "intuit" their "meaning."  Spoiler alert: there isn't one.  This is just an exercise in self-indulgence from a wannabe auteur trying to impress the kind of film critics that even other film critics think are full of shit.

1.  Bros.  You know, I've seen a fair amount of lousy movies in my time.  Some are definitely worse than "Bros," which at least has a few good lines and Debra Messing's cameo did get a laugh from me.  Even so, there aren't very many movies that I've hated so much I get angry even thinking about it.  When was the last one?  "Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising," I guess.  There aren't many.  "Bros" is one such movie.  This is filth.  Pure and simple.  I hated this movie.  I despised it.  I loathed it.  It's one of the worst movies ever made.  I can't even find the words to express just how much I wanted to leave after 10 minutes.  Why did I dislike this movie so intensely?  Was it because Bobby is a self-pitying jerk?  A world class narcissist on par with Donald Trump?  Was it because he exploits the very people he claims to advocate for (am I the only one who noticed that he has given none of the LGBTQ cast members anything to do or say than their gender and sexuality)?  Was it because he's an angry slut whose views of sex are not that of a romantic or even a hobbyist, but as a weapon?  Was it because Billy Eichner is about as appealing as fingernails on a blackboard?  Was it because Bobby is one of those super annoying activists who is too self-absorbed to understand the meaning of tact and common decency?  Because he shames, berates and whines at anyone who isn't exactly like him?  Because he is a checklist of stereotypes of gay men who hate everyone that accuses him of being a stereotype?  No.  It's because he is all of things and frames it as being his "true" self.  Bobby feels that by calling himself an activist entitles him to be as toxic and abusive as he wants to be and no one can beat the shit out of him.  No matter how desperately he deserves it.