Mike's Musings: The Bottom 10 of 2011
Everyone sees movies that they don't like. It's only natural. Unless you're a movie-phobe or impossibly susceptible to motion-sickness, chances are you've seen more than a few movies. I've lost count of how many I've seen (probably pushing 500), so I guess it's not so hard to believe that while there are more than a few that I've loved to death (Brotherhood of the Wolf, for example), there are a few I regret having seen with every fiber of my being.
Since this is my first year reviewing movies and I didn't see that many in theaters to fill up a whole Bottom Ten list, there are a few movies with two stars. If I had been as discriminatory as I should have been (which comes with seeing more movies), a few would have been a notch lower. But, here they are: the ten worst movies of 2011.
10. The Three Musketeers (2011). Alexadre Dumas novels have been adapted many times over the years (the Musketeers have seen film versions twice in the past decade alone), so it's not so surprising to see another adaptation. Summit Entertainment, probably hunting for another franchise since the "Twilight" saga wraps up next year, snapped up the distribution rights, but even though it made a profit, I don't see it lasting very long. Then again, every movie that makes a profit gets a sequel ("Bridesmaids 2" is in the works already). As long as someone agrees to film it in 3D, since that's where half its profits came from. Considering how many people are praying for their big breaks into Hollywood, someone that desperate shouldn't be too hard to find.
9. Conan the Barbarian (2011). I'll admit, seeing Marcus Nispel's name on the marquee got me into the theater prepared (and subconsciously hoping) for the worst. A movie as bad as Pathfinder will do that to a film critic. The truth is that his new Conan movie wasn't really that bad, although I am still not convinced of his having any talent whatsoever, except for having a camera in the right place at the right time or being able to wow some studio executive on the casting couch.
8. Priest (2011). "Priest" can at least have the advantage of being dumb fun. As lame as it is, it is watchable, and it's more like a live-action video game than anything. But with such a thin script and a thinner premise, one wonders what Screen Gems was thinking when they released it in May.
7. Rio. Here's where the movies start getting nasty. And few animated films are as rancid as "Rio." Witless, emotionless, and painfully obviously scripted by committee, it's a real stinker. I've seen animated movies that I didn't particularly care for ("Pocahantas," "Cars"), but never one that I hated. It was bound to happen sometime, I guess.
6. The Smurfs. In the past, when Hollywood used to put effort into big name movies, an "family event" movie like "The Smurfs" could be counted on for some decent entertainment. Apparently, that's not the case anymore. "The Smurfs" is an embarrassment. It's not clever, very few of the jokes are funny, and there are too many characters to give a damn about any of them. In short, it stinks.
5. Abduction. Like "Conan," I did not have high expectations for this Taylor Lautner vehicle. But even though I fully expected it to be awful, it still defeated my expectations. This movie is truly bad. Instead of playing to Lautner's strengths (his pecs and his glare), it requires him to act (which he can't) and cry (which he most certainly can't). Avoid.
4. Apollo 18. If nothing else, "Abduction" can be said to have had movement. People actually did something in that movie, although none of it was of any interest whatsoever. That's not the case here. This is a movie where almost nothing happens. That's okay for a horror movie ("Paranormal Activity" did this to great effect), but it has to have strong character identification and an even stronger sense of atmosphere. "Apollo 18" has neither. And for a pseudo-documentary, none of the dialogue sounds natural, which is another knock against it.
3. The Resident. It was my own fault for watching this movie, since it was direct-to-DVD and it had a two-time Oscar winner as the lead (never a good sign). Still, that doesn't excuse it from its utter awfulness, especially since it follows a fairly foolproof formula. Miscasting, poor scripting choices and a total lack of talent on the part of the director, it's not surprising that this film went directly to DVD.
2. Judy Moody and the Not So Bummer Summer. I've heard people tell me that I shouldn't be too hard on this movie because it was made for girls a quarter of my age. I disagree, for one reason: girls that age won't like it either. It's too boring and badly acted to entertain anyone, and that's something that applies to every target audience. Actually, I was kind of looking forward to this movie; the trailer looked kind of cool. Unfortunately, the movie is anything but.
Drumroll, please...
The number one worst movie of the year is...Killer Elite! Was there any doubt? No other movie I reviewed this year received a zero star rating. And for good reason too. As much as I hated "Judy Moody," I loathed "Killer Elite" even more. Apparently, Robert DeNiro will appear in anything as long as pay is good. It's hard to blame him, since it's impossible to turn down what he's being offered. But with a budget of 70 million smackers, you'd think they could have found a better place to spend it. The poor, Darfur, Nicolas Cage's empty bank account. Or myself. I would have gladly taken $70 million dollars instead of having to sit through this mess.
Since this is my first year reviewing movies and I didn't see that many in theaters to fill up a whole Bottom Ten list, there are a few movies with two stars. If I had been as discriminatory as I should have been (which comes with seeing more movies), a few would have been a notch lower. But, here they are: the ten worst movies of 2011.
10. The Three Musketeers (2011). Alexadre Dumas novels have been adapted many times over the years (the Musketeers have seen film versions twice in the past decade alone), so it's not so surprising to see another adaptation. Summit Entertainment, probably hunting for another franchise since the "Twilight" saga wraps up next year, snapped up the distribution rights, but even though it made a profit, I don't see it lasting very long. Then again, every movie that makes a profit gets a sequel ("Bridesmaids 2" is in the works already). As long as someone agrees to film it in 3D, since that's where half its profits came from. Considering how many people are praying for their big breaks into Hollywood, someone that desperate shouldn't be too hard to find.
9. Conan the Barbarian (2011). I'll admit, seeing Marcus Nispel's name on the marquee got me into the theater prepared (and subconsciously hoping) for the worst. A movie as bad as Pathfinder will do that to a film critic. The truth is that his new Conan movie wasn't really that bad, although I am still not convinced of his having any talent whatsoever, except for having a camera in the right place at the right time or being able to wow some studio executive on the casting couch.
8. Priest (2011). "Priest" can at least have the advantage of being dumb fun. As lame as it is, it is watchable, and it's more like a live-action video game than anything. But with such a thin script and a thinner premise, one wonders what Screen Gems was thinking when they released it in May.
7. Rio. Here's where the movies start getting nasty. And few animated films are as rancid as "Rio." Witless, emotionless, and painfully obviously scripted by committee, it's a real stinker. I've seen animated movies that I didn't particularly care for ("Pocahantas," "Cars"), but never one that I hated. It was bound to happen sometime, I guess.
6. The Smurfs. In the past, when Hollywood used to put effort into big name movies, an "family event" movie like "The Smurfs" could be counted on for some decent entertainment. Apparently, that's not the case anymore. "The Smurfs" is an embarrassment. It's not clever, very few of the jokes are funny, and there are too many characters to give a damn about any of them. In short, it stinks.
5. Abduction. Like "Conan," I did not have high expectations for this Taylor Lautner vehicle. But even though I fully expected it to be awful, it still defeated my expectations. This movie is truly bad. Instead of playing to Lautner's strengths (his pecs and his glare), it requires him to act (which he can't) and cry (which he most certainly can't). Avoid.
4. Apollo 18. If nothing else, "Abduction" can be said to have had movement. People actually did something in that movie, although none of it was of any interest whatsoever. That's not the case here. This is a movie where almost nothing happens. That's okay for a horror movie ("Paranormal Activity" did this to great effect), but it has to have strong character identification and an even stronger sense of atmosphere. "Apollo 18" has neither. And for a pseudo-documentary, none of the dialogue sounds natural, which is another knock against it.
3. The Resident. It was my own fault for watching this movie, since it was direct-to-DVD and it had a two-time Oscar winner as the lead (never a good sign). Still, that doesn't excuse it from its utter awfulness, especially since it follows a fairly foolproof formula. Miscasting, poor scripting choices and a total lack of talent on the part of the director, it's not surprising that this film went directly to DVD.
2. Judy Moody and the Not So Bummer Summer. I've heard people tell me that I shouldn't be too hard on this movie because it was made for girls a quarter of my age. I disagree, for one reason: girls that age won't like it either. It's too boring and badly acted to entertain anyone, and that's something that applies to every target audience. Actually, I was kind of looking forward to this movie; the trailer looked kind of cool. Unfortunately, the movie is anything but.
Drumroll, please...
The number one worst movie of the year is...Killer Elite! Was there any doubt? No other movie I reviewed this year received a zero star rating. And for good reason too. As much as I hated "Judy Moody," I loathed "Killer Elite" even more. Apparently, Robert DeNiro will appear in anything as long as pay is good. It's hard to blame him, since it's impossible to turn down what he's being offered. But with a budget of 70 million smackers, you'd think they could have found a better place to spend it. The poor, Darfur, Nicolas Cage's empty bank account. Or myself. I would have gladly taken $70 million dollars instead of having to sit through this mess.
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