13 Assassins

2/4

Starring: Koji Yakusho, Takayuki Yamada, Yusuke Iseda, Goro Inagaki

Rated R for Sequences of Bloody Violence, Some Disturbing Images, and Brief Nudity

“13 Assassins” is to “The Seven Samurai” what “Takers” was to “Heat.”  The plots are very similar, and the later versions were both major steps down for virtually the same reasons: almost no character development, acting deficiencies, and distinct lack of tension.  But while “Takers” had the earmarks of a guilty pleasure, “13 Assassins” is an overlong and often confused bore.

The Age of the Samurai is coming to a close.  But a long era of peace is about to be broken by a sadistic ruler named Lord Naritsugu (Inagaki).  Because he is the half-brother of the Shogun, he can’t be touched without dire consequences; even worse, his inevitable ascent to a more powerful role in the shogunate could spell doom for all of Japan.  So Sir Doi (Mikijiro Hira), a member of a different clan, gives his trusted samurai, Shinzaemon (Yakusho), an unofficial order to kill Naritsugu.  Shinzaemon gathers up eleven of his comrades to attempt to kill the well-guarded ruler, something they all know will probably cost them all their lives.

I know that action movies are not known for high-quality acting and characterizations.  Most actioners leave that stuff for the Oscars.  But a certain degree of individuality is necessary.  That’s not what we have here.  The characters here are so undeveloped that it’s impossible to tell one from the other, much less care about them or their fates.  This is especially disheartening because Koji Yakusho is an excellent actor, having given a deep and heartfelt performance in “Memoirs of a Geisha.”  The only marginally interesting character is Naritsugu, but that’s only because of how the character is written (Inagaki isn’t vicious enough to do the character justice).  The movie pulls no punches in demonstrating Naritsugu’s sadism.  He loves death and violence, and rapes and kills without batting a brow.  He massacred a village after they tried to revolt, and slowly killed a group of men and women in front of a little boy before killing him as well.  This is Caligula on a bad day.  I suppose Yusukey Iseda is okay as the flaky Koyata (the thirteenth assassin who joins up later), but he’s not funny or weird enough to emerge from the background.

The lack of characterization might be forgivable if the action scenes were exciting or the plot made any sense.  Unfortunately, neither is the case for “13 Assassins.”  The script is seriously confused.  There are many moments where a character says they cannot do something, yet moments later, they do just that.  It feels like a Paul McGuigan film at times.  The action scenes (which are sparing until the violent climax) are okay, but I’ve seen better.  It’s like a hack and slash video game.  There are a ton of bad guys (more than 200 to be exact) who run at our intrepid heroes, who in turn mow them down with astonishing ease.  It helps that the aforementioned assassins are like Energizer bunnies: they keep fighting until it is no longer physically possible given the amount of blood they lose.

When it comes to Japanese samurai movies, stick with the classic.  It may be longer, but it is unquestionably better.