Apollo 18


1/4

Starring: Lloyd Owen, Warren Christie, Ryan Robbins

Rated PG-13 for Some Disturbing Sequences, and Language

It’s the end of the summer, and every film lover knows what that means: Hollywood takes a dump.  There are two times a year when Hollywood releases movies that it thought were going to be great, but realized are actually crap.  The first period is post-Oscar bait season (January-February), and the other is the end of the summer (August-September).  After a few delayed release dates, Dimension Films has decided to release this mysterious little film in the dregs of the dump.  Upon viewing it, it’s not hard to understand why they waited until now.

Apparently, Apollo 17 wasn’t actually the last mission to the moon.  There was an 18th trip, but because of what “happened,” the government decided to cover it up.  The three astronauts, Nathan Walker (Owen), Ben Anderson (Christie) and John Grey (Robbins) are sent on a top-secret mission to the moon, but they don’t know why.  Still, a chance to go to the moon is a once in a million lifetimes opportunity, so they don’t ask questions.  Of course, when they get there, some strange things start happening.

The film is being marketed as “The Blair Witch Project” on the moon.  That’s an overstatement of enormous proportions.  Both films are “lost footage” pseudo-documentaries, but that’s where the similarities end.  “The Blair Witch Project” was a taut, scary and oddly moving little movie.  “Apollo 13” is a stupid, scareless snoozefest.

In general, I like these kinds of movies.  The documentary approach gives you a “you are there” approach without the irritation that happens when a wannabe-hip filmmaker uses that in a traditional movie (Michael Mann’s “Public Enemies” was ruined by this).  The acting is also more real than in most movies.  But with “Apollo 18,” the filmmakers do just about everything wrong.

Problem #1: the leads are completely interchangeable.  Both physically and vocally, Owen and Christie are too much alike.  It’s often impossible to tell who is saying what because they sound almost exactly alike, and director Gonzalo Lopez-Gallego shoots them in spacesuits for most of the time (and when they’re not in spacesuits, the camera angles still make it hard to tell who is who).

Problem #2: the dialogue doesn’t sound natural.  In pseudo-documentary movies, the dialogue must sound like it’s improvised.  That doesn’t happen here.  Often times, the words sound scripted, which ruins the effect.  For example, two characters spend what seems like two whole minutes shouting the exact same words to each other over and over again.

Problem #3: it’s really, really dumb.  For a trio of astronauts, these guys do some really dumb things.  I know, I know, people always do dumb things in horror movies.  However, it’s the job of the director to involve us to the extent that we don’t care.  Again, that’s something that Lopez-Gallego doesn’t accomplish.  Even worse is the ending, which has a plothole so big that even the most inattentive viewer will catch it.

I’ll admit that there were a few jolts that worked okay, but I think that was mostly due to the fact that I was falling asleep and being woken by a loud noise.  The bottom line is that this movie sucks, and is definitely going to be on my Bottom 10 list this year, and almost certainly near the bottom (or should that be top…whichever designates the film as one of the worst of the year).

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