Abduction

1/4

Starring: Taylor Lautner, Lily Collins, Sigourney Weaver, Alfred Molina, Jason Isaacs, Maria Bello, Michael Nyqvist

Rated PG-13 for Sequences of Intense Violence and Action, Brief Language, Some Sexual Content and Teen Partying

And the award for the silliest movie of the year goes to…”Abduction!”  Not only does it have the most misleading title of the year, it’s also one of the worst…it’s stupid, boring, absurd and contrived.  None of those descriptions, it should be mentioned, are mutually exclusive.  It is however quite often funny, albeit entirely unintentionally.

First of all, whose bright idea was it to have this script as a vehicle for Taylor Lautner, star of “Twillight?”  “Twilight’s” core audience is mainly tween girls, who typically have no interest in action movies.  In general, they prefer romances like “Water for Elephants” and “Remember Me,” the two non-“Twilight” movies that Lautner’s co-star Robert Pattinson has starred in.  Teenage boys, the lifeblood of PG-13 action, hate “Twilight” as much as anyone who has a respect for good acting, good storytelling and quality filmmaking.  Not only is Lautner (I won’t say the film because Lautner is the sole reason that this movie was made, sad as that may be) being marketed the exact opposite audience that he should be, the film rests solely on his shoulders, something that was obviously doomed for failure since he cannot act.

Nathan (Lautner) is a high school kid whose biggest problem is that his parents caught him shirtless the morning after a wild party and he can’t get up the courage to talk to the girl who lives across the street (Collins), despite the fact that he used to be good friends with her.  His parents, Kevin (Isaacs) and Mara (Bello) are good, loving people and his life couldn’t be happier.  That all changes when he finds out that he’s a missing kid, and Kevin & Mara aren’t his real parents.  Before he realizes what’s happening, two secret agents break in, murder his parents, and try to kill him.  Now he’s on the run, with Karen tagging along.  It turns out his real father is a secret agent working for the government and he’s stolen a piece of information from a really nasty rogue agent (Nyqvist), and he wants Nathan for a bargaining chip.

No one expects Taylor Lautner to act.  Anyone with a scintilla of self-respect wouldn’t go near that awful franchise with a ten foot pole unless they were desperate for their big break or were paid a hell of a lot of money.  I’ve only seen the first “Twilight” movie (well, most of it), and Jacob Black wasn’t in that movie for very long.  After seeing this, I should be grateful that we only had to spend the movie with Robert Pattinson.  Words cannot describe how awful Lautner is.  He’s got less range than a slab of concrete, absolutely zero charisma or screen presence, and his attempts to cry on screen are cringe-worthy (and unintentionally hilarious).  I hated Nathan from the first time he opened his mouth.  This guy is one of those egotistic jerks we all knew in high school; he’s absolutely convinced that he’s hot stuff and that everyone loves him.  I wished someone would punch his face in.

His co-stars are a cast of respected actors, all of whom are slumming it for a quick (and hefty) paycheck.  Lily Collins, who was quite good in “The Blind Side,” is invisible.  Weaver actually makes an effort to act, despite given laughably bad dialogue.  Alfred Molina attempts to do the same thing, but the dialogue defeats him.  Bello and Isaacs are good, but sadly they’re not on screen for very long.  Michael Nyqvist is clearly trying to make headway into the US after the success of the “Millennium” trilogy, but his performance is almost as bad as Lautner’s.  I can’t blame him, however.  This is a really shitty script, and is an absolute waste of his considerable talents.

I’d ask what John Singleton is doing here, but the answer is the same as his stars: money.  The much celebrated director is slumming it just like everyone else, making his work look like that of a director-for-hire.  There’s no style or an attempt to camouflage the film’s extremely low intelligence.  Not that that’s possible, but still, there’s no harm in trying.

This movie is so dumb it made my head hurt from rolling my eyes at every line.  The best thing I can say about this movie is that at least it’s not in 3D.  And as I close this review, I’ll cry myself to sleep, knowing that acting-challenged studs like Lautner and Pattinson will keep getting work and making millions while actors with talent will have to slave away working at diners that serve people like Lautner.  Watching “Abduction” is almost as bad as being one of those talented but desperate actors and having to serve food to Lautner without putting arsenic in it.