House of Wax (2005)

2.5/4

Starring: Elisha Cuthbert, Chad Michael Murray, Jared Padalecki, Paris Hilton, Jon Abrahams, Brian Van Holt

Rated R for Horror Violence, Some Sexual Content, and Language

“House of Wax” has promise.  A serial killer who makes his victims into sculptures for Madame Tussaud’s; how cool is that?  Sadly, the film doesn’t hold up.  With a thin script and a cast that is completely made up of teen soap opera stars (plus Paris Hilton), this film didn’t have much of a chance.

A group of twenty-somethings are on a road trip to a football game when they decide to pull over and camp for the night.  They get drunk, have sex, and throw a beer bottle at a truck that appears to be watching them.  The next morning, one of the cars breaks down, so lovers Carly (Cuthbert) and Wade (Padalecki) head to the nearest town to get repairs.  It isn’t long before they are being stalked by a serial killer.

The problem with the film is that I didn’t care about any of the characters in this film.  Three dimensional characters are not needed, but audience investment in the characters’ fates is crucial.  Despite taking the better part of 45 minutes to introduce us to the characters, director Jaume Collet-Serra can’t manage to make any of the characters worth caring about.

Upon its release, professional celebrity Paris Hilton was at the peak of her fame/notoriety.  Critics bashed her performance, but surprise, surprise!  Paris ISN’T the weakest performer in the bunch.   That distinction belongs to “One Tree Hill” stud Chad Michael Murray.  His attempts to play the badass “evil twin” Nick are pathetic.  When he becomes more sympathetic, he becomes more credible.  Elisha Cuthbert does what she can in a thin role, and it’s always nice to see Jon Abrahams, the resident goofball of his age group.

It’s unfair to lay the blame solely on director Jaume Collet- Sera.  For the record, Serra knows how to craft a film that’s capable of scaring the living hell out of the audience, and his next film, “Orphan,” is a testament to that.  There’s not much that anyone could do with such a wimpy script, but Serra makes it less horrid than it could have been in lesser hands.  For starters, Sera has a solid visual sense.  The way he positions the sculptures is creepy, and the finale at the end is pretty cool.

The bottom line is that despite a few creepy sequences and an occasional shock or two, “House of Wax” is completely devoid of anything resembling something capable of scaring the audience.  Skip it.