Lost Treasure of the Maya

.5/4

Rated PG-13 for Violence, Brief Sexuality, A Drug Scene, and Some Language

Starring: Protasio, Heather Storm, Daniel Ledesma, Michael Madsen. Kelly Noonan

With the rise of independent films, one can no longer write off all direct-to-DVD movies as complete crap.  There are good movies out there that were either poorly marketed, or simply did not have the budget for a theatrical release.  Still, when venturing out into these uncharted waters, you’re still going to end up with stinkers like “Lost Treasure of the Maya.”

The movie is like a bad mix of “Romancing the Stone” and “Into the Blue.”  Both of those were entertaining, if inconsequential movies, so a movie that utilizes both elements of them should make for a pretty good time, right?  Wrong.  This movie sucks on so many levels.  It looks as if it was filmed on a camcorder, the acting is awful, and the plot contrivances (of which there are many) couldn’t be more obvious.

Alexis (Storm) is on a mission.  Her archaeologist sister, Lauren (Noonan), went missing five days ago while she and her team were looking for a legendary mask.  Desperate to find her, she gets pointed in the direction of a lecherous drunk named Nic (Protasio).  He tells her to go home and live with the fact that she’s dead, but Alexis won’t take no for an answer.  In no short order, they get on the wrong side of a nasty treasure hunter named Lester (Madsen) who is looking for the same mask that Lauren was.

Writer/director David Murphy is obviously trying to make a summer action movie.  It’s got all the clichés: the rough and tumble hero who loves to drink, the spunky girl whose looking for a relative (who of course falls for said hero), the nasty villains, the exotic locals, and of course the one-liners.  Storywise, this could have been a decent flick.  The problem is that the writing is awful, the actors can’t act, and the film looks like the shit that it is.

As the gruff hero, Protasio leaves something to be desired.  He’s an alcoholic with a great body and all the range of a block of cement.  As bad as he is, his co-star Heather Storm, is even worse.  She’s horrible, making Cindy Crawford in “Fair Game” look good.  She’s beautiful, but she can’t act (and since this is a PG-13 movie, the only time she takes her top off is during her sex scene when the lights are out).  Daniel Ledesma is flat as the henchman who is desperate to find the mask for fear of getting killed, but he’s not terrible (at least compared to his co-stars).  One wonders what Michael Madsen and Keith David are doing here.  David has an excuse; he’s only in one scene, so this was probably just an easy paycheck for him.  Madsen’s motives for appearing in this disaster are a little more elusive.  It’s kind of a small role, I guess, but Quentin Tarantino mainstay must be hard up for cash to appear in something like this.  To be fair, he does inject some menace into his character, but his talents are wasted.

I can think of two reasons why David Murphy was able to make this movie: he convinced some moronic producer that he’s talented enough to compete with Jerry Bruckheimer or he’s got some nasty pictures of someone very high up.  Too bad he wasn’t given more money.  Then he would have been able to at least afford a decent camera (and capable actors could have only helped things).  Even with that, this movie still wouldn’t be that good.  The script is banal, and his direction lacks timing and energy.  Then there are the plotholes and contrivances that plague the film.  Come to think of it, maybe the movie isn’t salvageable, and the only thing good about this movie is the premise.

Not that that’s a silver lining.  This movie blows.

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